Are you an ignorant boob, too?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Ameren is there for you.

Don't be like me. I was one of the whiny hand-wringers crabbing about the impending 55 percent power hike.

But as my wallet worries turned to Ameren anger, I saw the light. I took the sage advice of Ameren and checked out its Web site for energy-saving tips.

Soon, I realized my problem wasn't with Ameren being a money-grubbing monopoly. My problem was with my being an energy-ignorant boob.

That's right. I just hadn't understood how simply I can save gobs of money. And I bet you're just as naive as I was.

Just go to ameren.com for eye-opening pearls of wisdom:

- "Simply dressing in layers and keeping a throw near the sofa or easy chair to use when watching TV are basic tips for enjoying your home's heating comfort at a slightly lower temperature."

Hmm. I can't wait to unwind at the end of the day, splayed in front of the boob tube, while comfortably entombed in a parka, scarf, knit cap, mittens and snow boots.

- "When entertaining in your home, turn down the thermostat a degree or two before your guests arrive. The additional body heat will make up the difference."

Gosh, all along I'd thought that as a host I was supposed to make visitors feel comfy and toasty. Silly me.

But the idea sounds promising. If a few guests raise the temperature a few degrees, then a lot of guests will create a heat wave, right? So, for your next dinner party, don't just invite your friends, but have them bring along their kids, cousins, old Army buddies, their dogs, Willie York - the more the merrier, and warmer.

Better yet, maybe they'd stay overnight. Sleep chameleon-style, stacked atop each other, to share precious body heat.

- "To clean your thermostat, gently blow out any dust or lint."

Wow. Expect a financial windfall with this one. I bet that blowing off excess lint is akin to winning the lottery.

- "Make sure drapes or furniture does not block the air vents or returns."

Wait a minute: You're telling me that hot and cold air doesn't pass through solid objects? Man, I should've paid better attention in my high school physics classes. I guess I'd better drag those filing cabinets off of all my vents.

If those tips alone won't put you on Easy Street, you can go a step further and check out the Web page's Energy Savings Tool Kit. You have to register, and it's only available to Ameren customers.

Why? I bet it's because Ameren thinks that only its valued customers are deserving of such cutting-edge, high-tech tips. I was especially amazed by suggestions for summer months on how to stay cool without using air conditioning:

- "Stay out of direct sunlight."

The sun makes you hot? Go figure.

- "Take cool baths."

That sounds refreshing. Now all I have to do is think of a way to sleep in my water-filled bathtub yet avoid that pesky risk of drowning.

- "Avoid hot foods."

Ah, I see. I'd always wondered why it's warm in Mexico.

Anyway, as you can see, Ameren is helping to make our lives worry-free. You don't have to let the rate hike get you all hot and bothered - unless, of course, that's the only way you can afford to keep warm this winter.

PHIL LUCIANO is a columnist with the Journal Star. He can be reached at pluciano@pjstar.com, 686-3155 or (800) 225-5757, Ext. 3155.