The Purina DietI have a Chocolate Lab. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (DUH!)
 
   On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
 
   Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both.
 
   I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
 
 Gifts
 A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
 
 After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
 
 "She did," he replied. "But where the heck was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
 
 Christmas Oxymoron
 What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 
 
 Divorcing After 45 Years
 An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
 
 "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. 
 
 "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
 
 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
 
 She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
 
 The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."