1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim - I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

 

P.S. - I locked all five of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.

 

Mrs. Jones is in the process of having her house painted by professionals. Her husband comes home from work and leans against a freshly painted wall.

 

The next day, Mrs. Jones says to the painter, “You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?”

 

The guy replies, “Look, lady, I got a tough day’s work ahead of me. Why don’t you just make us a cup of tea?”

 

Ole went hunting one day in northern Wisconsin and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Norskis.

 

The game warden ordered the Norski to show his hunting license, and Ole pulled out a valid Wisconsin hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Wisconsin. This is a Minnesota duck. You got a Minnesota huntin’ license, boy?”

 

Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Minnesota hunting license.

 

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Minnesota duck. This duck’s from Iowa. You got an Iowa license?”

 

Again Ole reached into his wallet and produced an Iowa hunting license.

 

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Iowa duck. This here duck’s from Michigan. You got a Michigan huntin’ license?”

 

Once again Ole reached into his wallet and brought out a Michigan hunting license.

 

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this and he yelled at the Norski, “Boy, just where the hell are you from?”

 

With that Ole turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, “Vell, you tell me. You’re da expert.”