The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the 1^st tavern (bar) in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

 

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased —— until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them. He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

 

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, “At this point I don’t know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don’t.”

 

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

 

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

 

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie. “You know how I work —— You have three wishes.”

 

“I’m not falling for this.”, said the cowboy —— “I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”

 

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

 

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

 

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your 2^nd wish.”

 

“My 2^nd wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

 

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says —— “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

 

***POOF***

 

He was turned into a tampon.

 

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient two milligrams of morphine every ten hours. She gave him ten milligrams every two hours. He almost died on us!”

 

The 2^nd doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”

 

Suddenly, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the 1^st doctor. “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”