In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language!  Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term “Tenjooberrymuds”.  With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!

 

Now, here goes ... The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service:

 

Room Service (RS): “Morrin.  Roon sirbees.”

 

Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

 

RS: “Rye.  Roon sirbees...morrin!  Joowish to oddor sunteen???”

 

G: “Uh.....  Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

 

RS: “Ow July den?”

 

G: “.....What??”

 

RS: “Ow July den?!?...  pryed, boyud, poochd?”

 

G: “Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry...  scrambled, please.”

 

RS: “Ow July dee baykem?  Crease?”

 

G: “Crisp will be fine.”

 

RS: “Hokay.  An Sahn toes?”

 

G: “What?”

 

RS: “An toes.  July Sahn toes?”

 

G: “I...  don’t think so”

 

RS: “No?  Judo wan sahn toes???”

 

G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”

 

RS: “Toes!  Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes?  Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”

 

G: “Oh, English muffin!!!  I’ve got it!  You were saying ‘toast’ ... Fine ...Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

 

RS: “We bodder?”

 

G: “No, just put the bodder on the side.”

 

RS: “Wad?!?”

 

G: “I mean butter...  just put the butter on the side.”

 

RS: “Copy?”

 

G: “Excuse me?”

 

RS: “Copy...tea...meel?”

 

G: “Yes.  Coffee, please...  and that’s everything.”

 

RS: “One Minnie.  Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy..  rye??”

 

G: “Whatever you say.”

 

RS: “Tenjooberrymuds.”

 

G: “You’re welcome.”

 

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the city.  The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city.  All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop.  The people of Phoenix couldn’t walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.  It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

 

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.  “I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.  But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.  Or, you can pay me one million dollars and ask one question.”

 

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

 

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.  The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.  All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon.  They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.  The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

 

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.  The Mayor was very impressed.  He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful, miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

 

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask, and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

 

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

 

The mayor asked:

 

...

 

...

 

...

Bank: This is the Bank of America, can I help you?

 

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account.  I don’t want to do business with you any longer.

 

Bank: Why?

 

Customer: You’re giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don’t think it’s right.  I’m taking my business elsewhere.

 

Bank: Well, Mr.  Customer, we don’t want to see you do that, but we can’t stop you.  I’ll help you close the account.  What is your account number?

 

Customer: (gives account number)

 

Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

 

Customer: No.

 

Bank: Mr.  Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I’ll need verification of who you are.

 

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number?  The reason I’m closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don’t have social security numbers.  You are targeting that audience and want their business.  Let’s say I’m an illegal immigrant and you’ve given me a credit card.  I have a question about it and call for assistance.  You wouldn’t be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

 

Bank: No sir, I wouldn’t.

 

Customer: Why not?

 

Bank: Because you would have pressed ’2’ to speak in Spanish.  We don’t ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.

 

http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/bankofamerica.asp

 

Jose and Carlos who are illegally here, are panhandling at the freeway offramp each holding a sign.  Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.  Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

 

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

 

Jose says, “Look at your sign.”  It reads: “I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support”

 

Carlos looks at Jose’s sign.

It reads: “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico”

 

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.  Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.  The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.  The rest of the world is in shock.

 

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

 

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

 

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

 

The European community is sending food and money.

 

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

 

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an American in 1907.

“In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin.  But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here.  Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all.  We have room for but one flag, the American flag.  ..  We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...  and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”

 

Theodore Roosevelt, 1907

 

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.  Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.  But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.  Then came the poop.  It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, and the table ... everywhere.  Then some of the birds turned mean:  they would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.  And other birds were boisterous and loud:  they sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.  After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore.  I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.  I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.  Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quite, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

 

Now lets see ... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen.  Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.  Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families:  you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor:  your child’s 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak english:  corn flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press “one” to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than “old glory” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.  Maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.  The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!  That would be 11 million less people using our gas.  The price of gas would have to come down as a result. 

Problem solved.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.  When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq.  Tell him if he wants to come to America, then he must serve a tour in the military.

Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it.  After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.  This option will probably deter illegal immigration; provide a solution for the troops in Iraq, and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.  If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. 

Problem solved.

-- By Bryanna Bevens, military wife “As I mentioned in a previous column, I am hugely fat pregnant right now (by the time this is published I may have had the little critter (hopefully) so I have baby issues on the brain. 

 

“Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas is a fairly famous institution and for a variety of reasons:

 

1.  John F.  Kennedy died there in 1963
2.  Lee Harvey Oswald died there s hortly after
3.  Jack Ruby-who killed Lee Harvey Oswald, died there a few years later...  by coincidence

 

“On the flip side, Parkland is also home to the second busiest maternity ward in the country with almost 16,000 new babies arriving each year.
(That’s almost 44 per day---every day)

 

“A recent patient survey indicated that 70 percent of the women who gave birth at Parkland in the first three months of 2006 were illegal immigrants.  That’s 11,200 alien babies born every year just in Dallas.

 

According to the article, the hospital spent $70.7 million delivering 15,938 babies in 2004 but managed to end up with almost $8 million dollars in surplus funding.  Medicaid kicked in $34.5 million, Dallas County taxpayers kicked in $31.3 million and the feds tossed in another $9.5 million.

 

“The average patient in Parkland’s maternity wards is 25 years old, married and giving birth to her second child.  She is also an illegal immigrant.  By law, pregnant women cannot be denied medical care based on their immigration status or ability to pay.  OK, fine.  That doesn’t mean they should receive better care than everyday, middle-class American citizens.  But at Parkland Hospital, they do. 

 

“Parkland Memorial Hospital has nine prenatal clinics.  NINE.  “The Dallas Morning News article followed a Hispanic woman who was a patient at one of the clinics and pregnant with her third child--- her previous two were also born at Parkland.  Her first two deliveries were free and the Mexican native was grateful because it would have cost $200 to have them in Mexico.  This time, the hospital wants her to pay $10 per visit and $100 for the delivery but she was unsure if she could come up with the money.  Not that it matters, the hospital won’t turn her away.  (I wonder why they even bother asking at this point.)

 

“How long has this been going on?  What are the long-term affects?  “Well, another subject of the article was born at Parkland in 1986 shortly after her mother entered the U.S.  illegally---now she is having her own child there as well.  (That’s right; she’s technically a U.S. citizen.)

 

These women receive free prenatal care including medication, nutrition, birthing classes and child care classes.  They also get freebies such as car seats, bottles, diapers and formula.  “Most of these things are available to American citizens as well but only for low-income applicants and even then, the red tape involved is almost insurmountable.

 

“Because these women are illegal immigrants they do not have to provide any sort of legitimate identification---no proof of income.  An American citizen would have to provide a social security number which would reveal their annual income---an illegal immigrant need only claim to be poor and the hospital must take them at their word.  “My husband is a pilot for the United States Navy (yes, he fought in Iraq) and while the health care is good, we Navy wives don’t get any of these perks!  Car seats?  Diapers?  Not so much.  “So my question is this: Does our public medical care system treat illegal immigrants better than American citizens?  Yes it does!

 

“As I mentioned, the care I have received is perfectly adequate but it’s bare bones, meat and potato medical care---not top of line.  “Their (the illegals) medical care is free---simply because they are illegal immigrants?  Once again, there is no way to verify their income.  “Parkland Hospital offers indigent care to Dallas County residents who earn less than $40,000 per year.  (They also have to prove that they did not refuse health coverage at their current job.  Yeah, the ’free’ care is not so easy for Americans.)

 

“There are about 140 patients who received roughly $4 million dollars for un-reimbursed medical care.  As it turns out, they did not qualify for free treatment because they resided outside of Dallas County.  So the hospital is going to sue them!  Illegals get it all free!  But U.S. citizens who live outside of Dallas County get sued!  How stupid is this?

 

“As if that isn’t annoying enough, the illegal immigrant patients are actually complaining about hospital staff not speaking Spanish.  In this AP story, the author speaks with a woman who is upset that she had to translate comments from the hospital staff into Spanish for her husband.

 

The doctor was trying to explain the situation to the family and the mother was forced to translate for her husband who only spoke Spanish.

 

This was apparently a great injustice to her.  “In an attempt to create a Spanish-speaking staff, Parkland Hospital is now providing incentives in the form of extra pay for applicants who speak Spanish.  Additionally, medical students at the University of Texas Southwestern for which Parkland Hospital is the training facility will now have a Spanish language requirement added to their already jammed-packed curriculum.  No other school in the country boasts such a ridiculous multi-semester multicultural) requirement.

 

“In the meantime, I have to end my column here.  I have to go buy a car seat.”

 

(Ed: Sorry for the length, but this needs wide circulation---- particularly to our “employees” in the Congress.)

 

The URL for this page is http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/parkland.asp

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes

Senate Office Building
309 Hart

Washington DC , 20510

 

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

 

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance.  I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

 

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S.  Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted.  If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.  I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

 

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.  Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?  This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

 

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider.  Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.  Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

 

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums.  This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

 

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.  Thank you for your assistance.

 

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin