I am really in a bad way. I got the worst head cold I think I have had in several years. Cough, sore throat, drippy nose, watering eyes and aching joints. I don’t think it is contagious over the Internets but you might want to go take some Vitamin C right now just in case. I hate the sneezing the worst because I can’t just sneeze all too once ... it seems to take at least a full minute while I sit here going “ah, Ah, aHHHH, AAAhHH, ETC.” before finally sneezing. Or sometimes not. And that’s scary too. Where does that monster sneeze go to that you get all prepared for and it suddenly just disappears?
Rules of ILLINOIS 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I- 80 goes east and west, I-57 & I-55 go north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat ILLINOIS pork chops & corn on the cob. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
8. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the just before Thanksgiving.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!!
12. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and high school basketball is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try THE U OF I, AND THE 4 STATE UNIVERSITIES. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
Sun Rise / Set Chart
Border Disorder
