Christmas Humor «The Legel Report»

12/26/08 Christmas Joke «The Legel Report»Christmas Morning
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We don’t have kids at home to gather at the Christmas tree with and we’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for sex or golf,’ and she said, ‘Take a sweater.’”

12/17/08 Christmas Joke «The Legel Report»Stealing Presents
It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer’s Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can’t be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, “Because the law states that I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”

12/16/08 Christmas Joke «The Legel Report»Mistletoe At The Airport
It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”

(pause)

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

“That’s not why it’s there.”

(pause)

“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”

“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

12/15/08 Christmas Joke «The Legel Report»Pregnant Turkey
One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

12/14/08 Christmas Joke «The Legel Report»HO, HO, HO!
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld

Christmas Prayers
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER ...”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

The Wrong Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” at the church that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. Lots of townsfolk had been pressed into service. The volunteer fire department supplied the wise men and the shepherds. There was no time for a rehearsal so the preacher had told everyone to get their lines from the bible.

Well, Christmas Eve came. The play went great until the the wise men entered. There was a hush as these three came in, wearing their coats and fire hats, dragging a length of hose.

The preacher slapped his forehead and muttered. But there was nothing to do but proceed.

After the play, he rounded on these fellows. “How stupid can you be?” he asked.

After he stormed out, one of the firemen looked at the other and shrugged. “Dangit.” he said, “We done jus like he said. We read it in the bible. There it were: And three wise men come from a far.”

Where Is Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the bir th of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, “Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

Jewish Christmas
As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time? She asked.

Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?

Isaac said, Well, it’s the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.

Onions And Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions”.

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas tree”.

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Young Baker
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas
dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them
bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing
on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

“The cupcakes look delicious, Tim.” his uncle said. And he took a bite
while looking at the other cupcakes. “Timmy these are so good.”

As he finished one and took another, he again complimented his little
nephew. “The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim,” his uncle said. “How did
you get them iced so evenly?” And he took a large bite while waiting
for the answer.

His nephew replied, “I licked them.”

Partisan Greetings

Here is the verse from a Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.

Let’s forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.

So let’s all get together, and let bitterness pass,
I’ll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

Retardment
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their golf carts and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on, while they talk to each other. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night------early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Singing Parrot
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for!

A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”

The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.”

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.”

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.”

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing “Chet’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!”

Wee Wee Chu
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said “Hey baby, let’s play Wee wee chu.”

“Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon” said Jung Lee.

“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Huan Cho begged.

“But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon.”

“Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me.”

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, “OK, we’ll play Wee wee chu.”

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....“Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

Priceless
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son ... what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “‘Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!’”

Broken Coffee Table $139.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!

Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” at the church that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. Lots of townsfolk had been pressed into service. The volunteer fire department supplied the wise men and the shepherds. There was no time for a rehearsal so the preacher had told everyone to get their lines from the bible.

Well, Christmas Eve came. The play went great until the the wise men entered. There was a hush as these three came in, wearing their coats and fire hats, dragging a length of hose.

The preacher slapped his forehead and muttered. But there was nothing to do but proceed.

After the play, he rounded on these fellows. “How stupid can you be?” he asked.

After he stormed out, one of the firemen looked at the other and shrugged. “Dangit.” he said, “We done jus like he said. We read it in the bible. There it were: And three wise men come from a far.”

Annual Office Party
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an idiot,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did”, came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

At The Airport
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. “Is that your grandmother?” I asked.

“Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.”

“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”

“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her.”

The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer).

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The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this also illustrates another point.

...Women never mind their own business.

Little Johnny
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.” Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?” Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog but I can’t find the damn thing!”

Remember This At Christmas Time
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their
antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl!

We should’ve known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Day After Christmas
It was the day after Christmas at a church in California. The pastor of the church was looking over the nativity scene when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?”

The little boy replied, “I got Him at church.”

“And why did you take Him?”

The boy explained, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it.”

Divorcing After 45 Years
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man said. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

Angel
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa, isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1) Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia - I Don’t Remember If I’ll Be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

5) Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Shout, I’m Gonna Cry, and I’ll Not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, ...

10) Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder - We Wish You ... Hey Look!! It’s Snowing!!!