The
Legel
Report
Christmas| 2/14 08:36:25 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 08:31:19 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 08:28:48 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 08:19:10 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 08:10:04 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 07:45:10 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 07:40:53 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 07:04:32 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 06:28:11 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 04:33:19 a.m. MjL |
| 2/13 06:20:07 a.m. MjL |
| 2/13 05:58:43 a.m. MjL |
| 2/12 08:34:11 a.m. MjL |
| 2/12 08:28:07 a.m. Tammy |
| 2/12 05:35:34 a.m. MjL |
| Halloween Jokes
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Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1031.php
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 Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They’re too wrapped up in themselves... Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1021.php
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on?” The drunk, still staring down, replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1019.php
My son-in-law Matt has a great-looking Darth Vader mask. One year at Halloween, a friend asked if he could borrow it. Matt agreed, and on Halloween night, his friend came by to pick it up. Matt was surprised that his friend was dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a flannel shirt, with the addition of a black cowboy hat. “Where’s your costume?” Matt asked. “This is it,” his friend replied. “Well, what are you supposed to be?” Matt inquired. His friend answered, “Darth Brooks.” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1018.php
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1017.php
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1016.php
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1015.php
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, And the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single; and I’m Catholic too!” “OK” the Nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1014.php
There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a Pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read: Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1013.php
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts. What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice scream. What do you call a friendly dead Egyptian? A chummy mummy. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers. Why don’t skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with. What do witches put in their hair? Scare spray. What was the favorite game at the ghost’s birthday party? Hide and shriek. How does a monster score a touchdown? He runs over the ghoul line. What do the birds sing on Halloween? Twick or Tweet. What is Transylvania national sport? Drac racing. Did you hear what happened to the boy and the girl vampire? Their love was in vein. Why wasn’t there any food left at the monster’s party? Because everyone was a goblin. Why do mummies make good employees? They get all wrapped up in their work. What did the ghost buy for his house? Home moaner’s insurance. Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in. What story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares. Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1012.php
You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. It’s OK if the person you’re with fantasizes that you are someone else, because well ... you are. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear ya moaning and groaning. Less guilt the morning after. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!! Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1011.php
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The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, “Trick or Treat!” The man asks the kids what he’s dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, “I’m an IRS agent.” Then he takes 28% of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say Thank You. Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1009.php
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a good time. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.” Comments (0) /Holiday/Halloween/1007.php
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