Guess Who?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
 
His curiosity getting the better of him, the first man goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.  The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
 
“But why?” asks the man.
 
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

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Valentine Cards
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:

“Now available in multi-packs.”

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Shy Guy
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.  After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I bought you a drink?”
 
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
 
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them.  Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
 
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.  You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
 
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!?!”

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She Had A Dream
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day!  What do you think it means?”
 
With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight.”
 
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
 
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - “The Meaning of Dreams”.

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History of Valentines Day
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
 
Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish, she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
 
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad.
 
Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
 
Osama Bin Laden, she says.
 
“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock.
 
“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.”
 
“And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.  And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
 
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
 
“Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
 
“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

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