I have a Chocolate Lab. I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog? (DUH!)
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
setter’s butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
Tie Me Up!
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you
want.”
In a town filled with crime, a young married couple were worried after 3 of
their neighbors had been burgled. They decided they should get a guard
dog.
The wife went to the local pet store and asked the assistant, “Do you have
any guard dogs?”
The sales assistant replied, “Sorry, Maam, we’re all sold out. All we
have left is a Dachshund ... but he does know Karate.”
The wife didn’t believe him, so the clerk says to the dog: “Karate the
chair.” The wee dog then goes up to the chair and whack, he brakes it into
tiny pieces. Then he said to the dog: “Karate that table.” The dog
went up to the table and crunch, he breaks it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was
expecting a big guard dog. He was of course very disappointed and
skeptical about this little dog’s abilities as a guard dog.
When she informed him that the dog knew Karate, he laughed and said:
“Karate my ass”.
And to this very day the husband is still in intensive
care.
Ferrari
Ferrari is thinking of outsourcing their engine technology to India in an effort to trim manufacturing costs. The following link captures and displays the first round of diagnostic tests from the Indian engine plant. Please see for yourself...
Ex-Boyfriend
A husband and wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the
wife keeps staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby
table.
Suspicious, the hubby asks, “Do you know him?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” sighs the wife. “He’s my ex-boyfriend. I
understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago and I
hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the Hubby. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?”
Nobel
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is
just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing. The man gets
out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, “Ah, excuse me,
mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in
their field!”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really inspirational, but you
still can’t help smiling when you see ’em tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel silly someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna
cook and eat the next thing that comes outta its b-bottom.”
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look at you anyway?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do some people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he doesn’t like it,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp
as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney
during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s
credibility....
Q: “Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer -- who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you
have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these
same officers?”
A: “You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best Comeback” line
-- and we think he’ll win.
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I am
going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my sermon, I
would like you all to read Mark 17.”
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at
the congregation he said, “Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If
you have read the chapter, please raise your hand.”
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Smiling, the preacher said, “You are the very people I want to talk
to. Mark only has 16 Chapters.”
Welcome to heaven
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says
the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing
in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter
returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were
campaigning......
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its
500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have
always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently “do
whatever the f*** you want” doesn’t mean what I thought. Call me,
Steve. (801)867-8292
The Iranian Ambassador ...
... to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America.” President Bush said,
“Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there
is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but
there are no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why
there aren’t any Iranians on Star Trek.”
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered
back, “It’s because it takes place in the future.”
Two Swedes from Wisconsin ...
... are sittin’ in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and
suckin’ down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says, “I think I’m going to divorce
my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”
Ole sips his beer and says, “You better think it over. Women like
that are hard to find.”
Find 3 Differences
Check this out. See if you can get it. If you can, you’re a
genius like me. There are two pictures almost identical to each other; you
have to find three differences. If you can find three differences, then
you are part of an elite group of individuals. This has been tested on
1000 people, and only 10% could find the three differences. All three
differences exist. Try it!! (Hint: Look at the town )
Science Class 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
“Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, “You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!”
She sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the
question again.
“Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Molly’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, “Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part
that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Jimmy.” Then she turned to Molly and
continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have
a dirty mind.
Second, you didn’t read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!”
Old Cowboy in Church
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were
to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans,
a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he
carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible.
The Church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the
city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever
seen.
The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and
accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.
No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at
his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long
sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the
church needed to do God’s work.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and
asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again,
have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for
worship.”
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed up for the services wearing the same ragged
jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and
ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak
to God before you came back to our church.”
“I did,” replied the old cowboy.
“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for
worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.
“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear.”
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With
the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.
“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her
tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But
it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the
meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get
better. She sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to
squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and
said, “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the
worst ... my wife came home with no panties!!”
“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said .....
‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’”
Maternity Q & A
Q: Should
I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is
enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby
move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes
college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s
sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant
and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s
your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll
feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the
same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is
the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re
pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word “alimony” means
anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while
recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I
have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper
very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my
wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in
college.
Q. What’s the Cuban national anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your
Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different
bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A.
Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office’s flag is flying at
half-mast? A. They’re hiring
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A.
Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each
arm? A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and
Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the “F”
word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
“BINGO!”
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time...”
A southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all
the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. What do you call a smart blond?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 10 years and 45 lbs
Q. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes
Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can’t stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Q. Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A. Because they have cotton balls.
Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. What did the blond say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. “Are you sure it’s mine?”
Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.
Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses
it.
Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product
you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it
was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In
fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I
was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up
with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause
is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for
having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty
bag people.
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do
first, Kim?” asked Joe. “I want to get weighed,” she said. They
ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on
the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she
said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been
there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next. “I want to get weighed,”she responded. By this time Joe
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?” Kim
responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy!”
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to
themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As
the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every
triangle’”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes.”
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the president.
Now quit laughing, this may be true!
How Men Started Wearing Earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into
earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies
sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck”.
Trading Places
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day. Amen.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them
breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up
the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a
deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid
the bills and balanced the checkbook . He cleaned the cat’s litter box and
bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make
the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them
on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned
the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them
to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s
being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were. However, you’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night.”
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in
such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in
such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
“Who said my Dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s
still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s
why he’s still alive ... he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it
than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he
died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead? He’s still akick’n.”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. “So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married
today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting
married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
We Are But Dust ...
“Dear Lord,” the preacher began with arms extended .... and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust...”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl
(who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
First Kiss
So, it’s your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage
between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to
Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is
oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush,
8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I
mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we
are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could
change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up
probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be
prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to
unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future." ...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better
tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best
educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush
"I
stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush
to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a
part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the
problem. I am a Republican." ...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter
turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor
George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the
killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the
riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers
are to blame." ...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we
should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush
5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still
a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly,
teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor
George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of
any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W.
Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you
on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
MECHANIC’S TOOL GUIDE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a
weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to
hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and
slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle
jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used
for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but
it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the
brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt
heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting
tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost
entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum
you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for
working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15
minutes.
DRILL
PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.
WIRE
WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws th! em
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for
lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front
disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front
fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic
jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood
splinters.
PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor
jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z
OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in boltholes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING
LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating gre! ase
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A
handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH
SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the
handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy
tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See
hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own
tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under
motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside ,its main purpose is to
consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howi!
tzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours
of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is some what
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used
to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw
heads.
AIR
COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant
200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years
ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY
BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE
CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.
The all nude police officer calendar for next year comes in an
all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for
both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want
to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the
officers. Click on the link below to view all 24 totally nude police
officers.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?“
“Negative, ma’am,“ the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.“
“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.“
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.“
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.“
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?“
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.“
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took
his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax“ him
several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!“
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.“
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened
to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. “
Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice, “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far.....
away.............. saying ..
“We’re down here ..”
One day a man staggered into the emergency room, with a golf club wrapped
tightly around his throat.
The doctor asked him to explain what happened.
“Well,” said the man, “I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when she sliced her ball into a field of cows.”
He continued, “We went to look for it, and looking around, I noticed one of
the cows had a white spot at its rear end. So I walked over and lifted up
the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball... stuck
right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my
mistake.”
“What did you do?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I lifted up the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like
yours!!!”
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven...don’t
step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.”
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievious.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably
involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is,son?”
The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide
eyed and his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where
is God?”
Again,the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys
face and bellowed, “Where is God?”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home &
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What
happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG
trouble this time.”
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $85.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $900 on clothes and
$600 for a gym membership. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not
her.
A traveling sales man was driving past a mental institution when all of a
sudden his right front wheel came off, went off the road and came to rest
against the tall metal fence with two coils of razor wire at the top.
As the tire came to rest on the fence a male patient came over and sat
down Indian style inside the fence to watch.
The driver of the car was terribly distressed. When he came over
to the fence to retrieve his runaway wheel and tire the patient asked “What’s a
matter buddy?”
“All of the lug nuts had came off the wheel and it will be impossible to
find them and I don’t know how I will get home tonight.”
The patient said from the OTHER side of the fence, “Well, If I were
you, I would take one lug nut off of each of the other wheels, put my right
front tire back on my car and drive away.”
The Salesman was shocked when the patient said that and asked him “How
did you figure that out?”
The patient smiled at the salesman and said, “I’m in here because I am
crazy, not because I am STUPID!”
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old
Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday
for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and
after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow
fashion, she approached him for an interview.
“I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?”
“About 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray
for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship.”
Once upon a time, there lived a king. The king had a beautiful
daughter, but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would
melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would
melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare
marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his
daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not
melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry
her and inherit the king’s wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a
very hard alloy of titanium, but alas, once the princess touched it, it
melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the
hardest substance in the world and would not melt. Alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in
my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not
melt!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever
after.
Question: What was the object in the prince’s pants?
They were M&M’s of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your
hand!
As an employee of Value Mart, you are sometimes required to make
store-wide pages, for example, “I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter.”
One night, a tentative female voice came over the intercom system
with the following message: “I have a customer by the balls in the
toy department who needs assistance.”
1. A murderer is condemned to death.
He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the last is full of lions
that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5
minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner
together. How can this be?
3. What is black when
you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual
paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so
unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think
nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not
find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Try to do so without any coaching!
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before
I give him my answer.”
Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury
car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for
dinner... a marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner
drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I
could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment
and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new
dress and has his way with me two times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out
with him?”
Edna: “No, no, no... I’m just saying, wear an old
dress.”
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello.
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where
he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me”?
To which she
replies, “I think your the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind
travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool
table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery ???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s
math teacher.”
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.
Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge
Distorter”, told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these
100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa
and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAID WE
GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman.
Again,
“WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE” - So they wiggled up close to each
other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little”,
said the photographer.
YET AGAIN - “WHAT DID HE
SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the
deaf twin shouted out, - “OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?”
In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large
fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he
set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire.
He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded,
with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in
his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his
butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way
he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for
advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked,
“Jeeves, what is this fox pass?”
“Sir,” replied Jeeves, “that would be “faux pas””. I’ll give you an
example. “Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom
stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord
Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember
how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband “Is your
prick still throbbing dear?” and you said “Christ!” and I dropped the
marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas.”
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady,
was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on
his gloves.
“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he
asked. “No, I don’t” she replied.
“Well,” he spoofed,
“there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes
walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves
and throw them into boxes of the right size.”
She didn’t
crack a smile. “Oh well, I tried,” he thought.
But five
minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out
laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“I was just picturing how condoms are made!” she said.
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous
artist. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”
“But you are
not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson.
“My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his
secretary. “When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the
bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
A father watched his
young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on
how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to
her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?”
she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call
the spider on top?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father
answered.
“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl
asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl,
looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stomped them flat and said ... “Well, we’re not having any of
that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.”
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Doo Wop Horses ... click on the horses to make your own music!
Date Rape Drug
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many
females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.”
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It
comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs”. Beer is
used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to
consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they
would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often
awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad”
occurred.
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer may be found below.
Paul Newman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England
town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning,
the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike,
she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She
hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery / ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at
the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous
baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman
smiled demurely.
“Pull yourself together!”, she chides herself. “You’re a
happily married woman with three children; you’re forty-five years old, not a
teenager!”
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice
cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out
the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman’s direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but
her other hand was empty. Where’s my ice cream cone? Did I leave it
in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk’s
hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was
in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His
face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, “You
put it in your purse.”
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students this question: “Michael, if you were on a
date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I’m sorry, but I
really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice
to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. You, Little Johnny, can you
use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
I would say, “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet
after dinner.” The teacher fainted.
Forgive Your Enemies?
Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, “How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?”
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their
hands except one small, elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”, the
minister asked.
“I don’t have any”, she replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight” she replied.
“Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a
person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the
world?”
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled
sweetly and said, “I outlived the bitches.”
A New Element ...
A major Washington, DC based research institution has recently announced
the discoveryof the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element
has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A small amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally
take less than a second - to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical
Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half
as many peons but twice as many morons.
Nobody Believes Seniors
Nobody believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had
married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood
after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old
school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d
shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money
-- and it’s fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and
hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the
money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered
by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class
assignment:
The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with
a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate
right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another
copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking
outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the
e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded
her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked
chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris,
leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important
things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
“A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic
communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far...” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress
Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her.
“Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered
wistfully.
(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to
live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the
first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably
massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.
(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious
neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
“Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of
F--KING TEA???
Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too
many Danielle Steele novels!”
(Rebecca) As*h@le.
(Gary) B*tch!
(Rebecca) F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
(Gary) In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one
Groan ...
The driver of a huge tractor
trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed
it to pieces. He climbed down from his truck and looked at the wreckage, not
quite sure what to do.
Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled
up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the
former toll-booth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they
began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire
toll-booth reconstructed and good as new.
“Astonishing!” the truck driver
said to the crew chief. “What was that white stuff you used to get all of the
pieces together?”
(Are you sure you really want to know?)
The crew
chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”
Little Cowboy
A little cowboy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s
legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, the little cowboy asked, “Dad, why are you doing
that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy”.
The little cowboy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants
to buy Mom.”
Groan ...
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves
his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take
another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out!
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant............ “Take another
drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
Grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees, tearfully
giving thanks! The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left....
then to the right. Right through the front door, into the street,
where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The
bartender sighs and says...
“He should have quit while he was a head!”
Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused
state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time
they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way
for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she
needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore,
they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book
which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by
the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one
of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more
than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with
evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so
astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!
”That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just
don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
2006
Blond
