A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.  Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

 

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

 

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

 

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

 

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.  I just sit around and listen to the conversations.  I’ve changed my will three times!”

 

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.  I know you’re about my age.  How do you feel?”

 

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

 

“Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?”

 

“Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

 

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

 

“So I hear you’re getting married?”

 

“Yep!”

 

“Do I know her?”

 

“Nope!”

 

“This woman, is she good looking?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Is she a good cook?”

 

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

 

“Does she have lots of money?”

 

“Nope!  Poor as a church mouse.”

 

“Well, then, is she good in bed?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

 

“Because she can still drive!”

 

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Three old guys are out walking.

 

First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

 

Second one says,“No, it’s Thursday!”

 

Third one says, “So am I.  Let’s go get a beer.”

 

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A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.  It’s perfect.”

 

“Really,” answered the neighbor.  “What kind is it?”

 

“Twelve thirty.”

 

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

 

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

 

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that.  I said, “You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”

 

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

 

“No,”  he replied, “Arthritis.”