The
Legel
Report
2006
Bumper Stickers| 2/14 08:36:25 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 08:31:19 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 08:28:48 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 08:19:10 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 08:10:04 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 07:45:10 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 07:40:53 a.m. Michael T. |
| 2/14 07:04:32 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 06:28:11 a.m. MjL |
| 2/14 04:33:19 a.m. MjL |
| 2/13 06:20:07 a.m. MjL |
| 2/13 05:58:43 a.m. MjL |
| 2/12 08:34:11 a.m. MjL |
| 2/12 08:28:07 a.m. Tammy |
| 2/12 05:35:34 a.m. MjL |
| 2007 Humor | ||
       Comments (0) /Blog/2007/11/23/2007112303.php
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Sink or SwimStanding at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the
deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A
trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save
her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he
reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my
hundred?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How
much do I owe you?”
| ||
AnnulmentOle and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their
married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after
they had lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge
to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge
demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an
annulment.
“It’s like this, your Honor,” answered Ole, “I’ve just learned that Lena’s
father never had a license to carry a gun.”
| ||
The Other VoiceDoctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “John, don’t worry
about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients
and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering.............. “John, you’re a vet”.
| ||
Well Cared ForOne evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the
nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to
tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see
how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it
here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you
fart.”
| ||
Polar BearA guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having trouble
interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks
why they won’t talk to him.
The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He
ask’s what do I have to do?
The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka,
then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear hands, then
to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight
with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night there’s a big party to
initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a
bottle of Vodka. He down’s about half without much trouble, bet the second
half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him
another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd
claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear
cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there’s a huge
commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and
wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to
shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
“Okeee now where’s the woman I gotta kill?”
| ||
Sexual SurveyA man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff’s
neighborhood. “How often a week do you sleep with your wife?” asked the
inquirer.
“Three times,” Jeff said without hesitation.
“That is once more often than your neighbor,” the inquirer said,
writing.
“That makes sense,” Jeff said, “after all, she’s my wife.”
| ||
Gone But Not ForgottenThe crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept
receiving calls asking to speak with him.
“I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was
always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: “I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to
hear you say it.”
| ||
The GiftA travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older
Gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected
couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never
hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my
expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and
book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,”
she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?” Some Of You Ask The Same Question Every Morning!!! | ||
ShopliftingThis 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she
replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “6.” The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.” Before the
judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge
if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
| ||
CommunicateA Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem
arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a
chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the
message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to
say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some
chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find
a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store ...
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails. I don’t know about you sometimes!
| ||
Say What?A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure.
A young, student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only
here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them all around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!!” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much! That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely
...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?” | ||
AlbertAn old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was
crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs.
As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him
speaking in a soft voice ...
“We are almost done, Albert ... try not to cry, Albert ... life will get
better, Albert...”
As he approached the checkout stand, he carefully brushed the toddler’s
tears from his eyes and said again, “Try not to cry, Albert...we will be home
soon, Albert ...”
As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry as a young woman
in line behind him said, “Sir, I think it is wonderful how sweet you are being
to your little Albert.”
The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, “Miss,
my grandson’s name is John ... I’m Albert ...”
| ||
What’s For Sale?Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new
store ... as yet, the store isn’t ready ... only a few shelves are set
up. One says to the other, “I bet any minute now some tourist is going to
walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.” No sooner
are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the
window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, “What’re y’all sellin’
here?”
One of the men replies, “Oh! We’re selling assholes here.”
Without skipping a beat, the rebel says, “Well, I see y’all’re doing real
good, you only got two left!”
| ||
A Grateful FrogA family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the
road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out
and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a
wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.” The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.” The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?” | ||
Terrible Lady GolfersThere are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where
it’s supposed to go.
The first guy says: “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what’s wrong? He says: “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.” The first guy says: “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about half way there and comes back. The second guy asks what’s wrong? The first guy answers: “Small world!” | ||
Another Lady GolferA couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one
of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed
down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please
allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you’d allow.”
“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right...I’ll be fine in a few
minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, “How does that feel?”
To which he replied, “It feels great, but my hand still hurts like
hell.”
| ||
Pull the PlugLast night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She’s such a smart ass ...
| ||
MarriageAt 85 years of age, Wally marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she
and Wally should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new,
but aged, husband might over exert himself if they spend the entire night
together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opened
and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as
one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go
to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it’s Wally. Again he is ready for more “action”. Somewhat surprised,
Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha --- you guessed it --- Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more “action”. And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.” Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, “You mean I was
here already?”
| ||
My MammogramI actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with,“Hi!
I’m Belinda!” This perky clipboard-carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
her head to one side and crooned, “All need you to do is step into this room
right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything
clear?”
I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the
right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
“Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?”
“Fine”, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob
wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard a
crackle. Immediately I felt a zap! Complete darkness....the power
was off!
“Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.” Belinda headed for
the door.
“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door’s wide open
so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”
Before I could shout “NOOOO!” she disappeared. And that’s exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of
me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between
glass!
After exchanging polite “Hi, how’s it going” type greetings, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible
“Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.”
“You bet, take care” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been
standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am soooo sorry!” The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps....
| ||
Best Come-back Line EverPolice arrested a 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38
p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the County courthouse, he was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is
soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.
He went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?”
he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, he failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda approached
him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Brenda.
“I walked up to the suspect and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Brenda went on to describe what happened when she approached
him.
I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a
pumpkin?”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said ... “A pumpkin? ...
Shit ... is it midnight already??!!”
| ||
BraveryThe officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to
retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he
dove back to safety. “Private,” the officer said, “I’m recommending you
for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses.”
“Warehouses!?” the private shouted. “I thought you said
whorehouses!”
| ||
When In London ...An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a
long search he couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he
went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was
unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
“Look here, old chap, what are you doing?” the officer asked.
“I’m sorry,” the American replied, “but I really gotta take a leak.”
“You can’t do that here,” the officer told him. “Look, follow me.”
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the policeman, “whiz away.”
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the
flowers. “Ahhh,” he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer,
he said, “This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?”
“No,” replied the policeman. “It’s the French Embassy.”
| ||
PoliticiansA busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus
suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to
investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer’s field
and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where
all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he’d gone
ahead and buried all of them. “Were they ALL dead?” asked the puzzled
sheriff. “Well, some of them said they weren’t,” said the old farmer, “but
you know how them politicians lie.”
| ||
Old Harold’s In The HospitalHarold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she
came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say
in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning”, or “Are we
ready for a bath”, or “Are we hungry?”
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at
breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed
side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So ... you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at
it. “My, it seems we are a little cloudy today ”
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the
top, and drank it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I
can filter it better this time.”
The nurse fainted!
Old Harold just smiled!
| ||
Fifty PlusQ: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant. Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses. Q: Why should 50+ folks use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 50+ folks to have problems with short-term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 50+ folks look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ folks when shopping in
antique stores?
A: “I remember these.” | ||
Charlie & His GirlfriendCharlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a
sheep, you idiot.”
The man says: “I think you’ll find that I wasn’t talking to you.”
| ||
Ask No QuestionsA passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.” The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.” | ||
Doggie Style?Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you
and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.” “Oh, I see, kinky, huh?” “Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.” | ||
Serious InfractionSister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual
Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she
cried, “just wait until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “ Now just calm down and
tell me what has you so excited?”
“Well, father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so excited, Father” replied the nun, “it was
WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the ceiling, Father.”
“How much did you win?”
| ||
Bubba and EarlBubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to
get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a
dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar
for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which
Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet
brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
| ||
Scottish HighlandsA man from the city sells off and moves into the Scottish Highlands, wanting
to be alone with his thoughts and to reflect on his life. Six months after
having moved there however, and after having seen no one throughout that whole
period, he hears a knock at his front door. He opens it and finds a huge
hulking man with a long red beard standing there in front of him.
“Good day to ya,” says the bearded man, “mah name is Jock MacTavish and I’m
ya neighbour. You’re invited over for a party ahm having tomorrow
night.”
“Well thank you,” replies the recluse. “I’ve not seen a soul for six
months and I reckon I’m ready for a bit of company. I’d love to come to
your party.”
“Okay, but ahm warning ye, they’ll be lots o’ drinkin’.”
“Drinks? Oh that’s okay I like a drink.”
“Aye,” says the bearded man, “but they’ll also be lots o’ gamblin’
too.”
“Gambling? Well I don’t mind having a bet now and then. That’s
okay.”
“Aye,” says the bearded man, “but they’ll also be lots o’ fightin’.”
“Oh my,” replies the recluse. “Fighting? Oh well it sounds a
bit scary - but I’m sure I’ll be okay.”
“Aye,” says the bearded man, “but they’ll also be lots o’ sex too.”
“This sounds like quite a party!” laughed the recluse. “Tell me, how
many people will be there?”
“Och, just you and me,” says the bearded man.
| ||
Yearly PhysicalYesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood
pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I’d gained some weight, and I didn’t
feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M’s and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy. | ||
Estate Planning 101When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he
went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever
seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million
dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men ...
| ||
To Save LivesOne day, our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do I have to
learn this stuff? I’m pre-med, I’ll never need it.”
“You’ll need it to save lives.” the professor responded quickly.
“So, how does physics save lives?” the student persisted.
“It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,” replied the
professor.
| ||
Catholic GasolineSister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have
it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could
fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the
street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m
turning Catholic.”
| ||
Drive-thru ConfessionalThe elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good
idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It
worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me
adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church,
so I supported you when you brought in that rock’ n’roll gospel choir. Now
our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that
you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But
I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “And I appreciate that. But the
flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the roof.”
| ||
Two Old FriendsTwo elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry
didn’t show up. Ken didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a
cold or something. But after Larry hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Ken
really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Ken didn’t know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out
what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one
day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold!--there sat Larry! Ken
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For
crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?”
Larry replied, “I have been in jail.”
“Jail?” cried Ken. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Larry said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Ken, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The judge gave
me 30 days for perjury.”
| ||
The End of ThinkingIt started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another,
and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone --
“to relax,” I told myself -- but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became
more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother’s.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at
lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office
dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”
One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it
hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you
don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my
conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confess, “I’ve been
thinking...”
“I know you’ve been thinking,” She said, “and I want a divorce!”
“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”
“It is serious,” she said, and her lower lip began to aquiver. “You
think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any
money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently. She exploded in
tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional
drama.
“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared
into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors,
they didn’t open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a
poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it
asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers
Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a
non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s”, the week before, it was
“Animal House”. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better
at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped
thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to vote as a
Republican.
| ||
Jesus And The RedneckAn Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.” The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How’s about gettin’ me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.” As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me ... I’m drawin’ disability.” | ||
Memorial PlaqueOne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside
the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning Pastor, what is this?” he asked the pastor. The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?” | ||
Sid and AlTwo Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant in
Tijuana. Sid asked Al, “Are there any people of our faith born and raised
in Mexico?”
Al replied, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
And the waiter said, “I don’t know Senor, I’ll ask the cooks.” He
returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said “No sir, no Mexican
Jews.”
Al wasn’t really satisfied with that and asked, “Are you absolutely
sure?”
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with “Gringos” gave the expected
answer, “I will check again,Senor!” and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, “I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico, our people are scattered everywhere.”
The waiter returned and said “Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican
Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Al asked once again. “I can’t believe there are no
Mexican Jews!”
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replied the exasperated waiter, “All we have is
Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews.”
| ||
Are You Kathlick?Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play
with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church. But,
only the Janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out
and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You
are now baptized!”
When they got outside, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we
are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on
you.”
“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Lutrans , because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?!”
They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that
means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisscopailians!”
| ||
Mood RingMy husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We’ve discovered that
when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big ugly red mark on his
forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
| ||
Two Catholic BoysThere were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was
born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended
parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high
school. They took their vows to enter the Priesthood early in college, and
upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all
respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the
present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the
world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant
and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even
with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
Pope Secola.”
| ||
GodA kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s
artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
“They will in a minute.”
| ||
Little Johnny and JennyLittle Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s
room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a
job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance ... Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that
should do us just fine.”
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so
much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr.
Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured
out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the
two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so
far...”
| ||
Fish & ChipsLost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner, and was treated
to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went
into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the
Brothers.
The first one says, “Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother
Charles.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you,” replies the nun. “I just wanted to
thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve
ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
She turned to the other Brother and said, “Then you must be...?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so - I am the chip monk.”
| ||
Haunting QuestionsCan you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny
for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see
you naked anyway.
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt? | ||
Dump The Male Flight AttendantsNo one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight
attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don’t even
serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party
atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and ‘special services’.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijacking would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we
handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
| ||
Why Sentence Structure is So ImportantThe boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.” “Could you jack off?” she says. “I feel like crap ...” | ||
Flight Attendant InstructionsA man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A
female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s
refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was
holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded
to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself. | ||
Leave It To The Kids!LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!” GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.” DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.” HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!” MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the People walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!” THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.” UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she
asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked. BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she
say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!” UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a
thing?”
Tommy answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!” TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir,” the boy replied. “And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked. “No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.” ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’!” SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being
served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” Said his mother “I don’t have to,” The boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before
eating at our house.”
“That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house
and she knows how to cook!”
| ||
Newspaper AdsFree Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little
bastard. Bites!
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Found Dirty White Dog: Looks like a rat. Been out a
while. Better be a big reward.
Cows, Calves - Never Bred: Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nordic Track: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
Georgia Peaches: California grown - 89 cents lb.
Joining Nudist Colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Wedding Dress For Sale: Worn Once By Mistake Call Stephanie.
For Sale By Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer
needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
| ||
Tell Me Doctor!A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the
house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,
“Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife.”
| ||
A Perfect ShotSam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an
eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t
start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the
hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,” Sam
explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord,” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.” | ||
Tavern vs. ChurchThe story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern (bar)
in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to
the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.
A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the
structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were
surprised but pleased - until they received notice that the would-be tavern
owner was suing them. He contended that their prayers were responsible for
the burning of the building. They denied the charge.
At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, “At
this point I don’t know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern
owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don’t.”
| ||
FEMA GenieA cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to
the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old
briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID
badge and a dull gray dress. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie. “You know how I work.... You
have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.”, said the cowboy... “I’m not going to
trust a FEMA genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks
like you’re a goner anyway!”
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. “OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink.”
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... “I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached. | ||
Nurse NancyTwo doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does
everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a
patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He almost died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told
her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him
24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my
God!” said the first doctor. “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick
Mr. Smith’s boil!”
| ||
19 Things That It Took Me 40 Years To Learnby Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
“meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental
illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and
dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.
| ||
Charm CourseAt one of the last all-girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in
a “Charm Course” was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to
be gallant.
“Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open
the door for you,” she said.
Then, returning to reality she added, “But if the big oaf is in the
restaurant ordering his steak...don’t wait any longer.”
| ||
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PreacherA Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, no one
wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and
proclaims ... “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!”
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the
Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces
with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!” There is total
silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?”
Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ... “Screw the Preacher!”
| ||
That’s Terrible!An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time
in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one
shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat
it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how
you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out
enjoying myself every night!”
| ||
Alaskan Mobile Fixit ServiceA man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car suddenly broke
down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly
after.
The service man opened the hood and after a while he looked up and said, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The man replied, “No, it’s just frost on my moustache.” | ||
A Broken Leg“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the
man’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, 25 years ago ...”
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning.”
“Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter
came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.”
“I said no, everything is fine.” “Are you sure?”, she asked. “I’m
sure”, I said.
“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know. “I
reckon not” I replied ...
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your
leg?”
“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!”
| ||
Company PolicyTo all Employees:
Effective Immediately: Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise. 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay
raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and do
not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holidays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch break
and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy. Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. | ||
How To Judge Your Child’s FutureAn old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men,
the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too
concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four
objects:
A Bible, A silver dollar, A bottle of whisky and A Playboy magazine “I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “when
he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks
up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would
be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a
skirt-chasin’ bum.”
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on
the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally,
he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the
silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.
“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered, “he’s gonna run
for Congress!”
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All Is ForgivenBurford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to go to the
bathroom real bad. The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down
to use the lobby Men’s Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back
up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and
craps in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, “Dear Mr.
Burford ... All is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is
it?”
| ||
British HumorA thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it
safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his
van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an
obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it
to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse
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Bubba At The RevivalBubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while,
the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line and when it’s his turn the preacher says, “Bubba, what
you want me to pray about?” Bubba says, “Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing.”
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba’s ear and the other hand on top of
his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and
says, “Bubba, how’s your hearing now?”
Bubba says, “I don’t know preacher, it’s not until next Wednesday.”
| ||
Party At A Rich Kid’s HouseThese two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The
kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in.
As they’re changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did
you notice how small the rich kid’s penises were?”
“Yeah,” says his mate, “It’s probably because they’ve got toys to play
with.”
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The Right Age For CussingA 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You
know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start
cussing.” The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old
continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say “hell”
and you say “ass.”
“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants
for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts
“You can just stay there till I let you out!” She then comes back
downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do
YOU want for breakfast young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your fat ass it won’t be
Cheerios.”
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A Little Girl And Some Construction WorkersTruly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and
some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness
of people and believe there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day
a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough, all of them,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said
all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar
pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and
asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young
age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew
building a house all week.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the
house again this week too?”
She replied “I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard
ever bring us any drywall that’s worth a shit.”
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Go Easy At FirstJoe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went
straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he
had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that
he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6
months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the
worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.
And now, you come home drunk!”
| ||
Naval HumorAs we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight
Instructor said, “All right! All you worthless morons fall out!”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained standing at
attention.
The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then raised
a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh
sir?”
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Recalibrating Your MouseThis really works.
Is your mouse calibrated? You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on your computer. I was shocked to see that this works! To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g. If it doesn’t work, you might want to clean your mouse. You silly
goose. You’ll believe anything
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Oil ShortageA lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in
our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to
check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low. ~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in
~~~ ALASKA ~~~ California ~~~ Coastal Florida ~~~ Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Kansas ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Pennsylvania ~~~ and ~~~ Texas ~~~ However, our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC Any Questions ???
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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use
the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
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How To Drive In Phoenix1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is:
“FEE-NICKS”. There are other names to learn such as Ahwatukee
(Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening
rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On
Loop 101,your speed is expected to at least match the highway number.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has
its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the
loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However, in the East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It can
get you shot.
6. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix.
Roads that were just completed last week are dug up this week and construction
equipment is moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s
driving a bit more exciting.
7. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
barrels, clothing, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, ladders, shredded
tires, jack-rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes
feeding on any of these items.
8. REMEMBER:
Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10 are the same road.
SR202 is the same as The Red Mountain FWY.
Dunlap and Olive are the same street too.
Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.
SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17.
I-17 is The Black Canyon FWY and The Veterans Memorial HWY.
Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. from West to East but
Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. from West to East because it dead
ends at a mountain.
9. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off”
accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
10. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your
hands.
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SurpriseThere is a family gathering, with all the generations around the
table. The teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa’s drink. After
awhile, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When
he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
“What happened, Grandpa?” he is asked by his concerned children.
“Well,” he answers, “I don’t really know ... I had to go to the bathroom
... So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn’t mine, so
I put it back!”
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The Social Security OfficeAfter retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants ... you might have
gotten disability, too.”
| ||
The Seniors Breakfast SpecialWe went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “Seniors’ Special” was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. “Sounds good,” my wife
said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked
incredulously.
“YES!!” stated the waitress.
“I’ll take the special then.” my wife said.
“How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked.
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We’ve been around the block more than
once.
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Do Elephants Have Memories?In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on
one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of
nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped
its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing,
killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
| ||
Seniors Are Smarter Than You ThinkThe doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young
doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these
are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks ... And believe me, it
helps me sleep at night..”
You gotta LOVE Grandmas!!!
| ||
Says WhoA secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. Her boss
called her into his office and said, “Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild
fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like
any other employee around here. Who told you that you could come and go as
you please around here?”
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling, said, “My
lawyer.”
| ||
Guilty and DepressedA young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must
help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy,
I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for a week.”
“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”
“For Pete’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so
I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”
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How To Install A Home Security System1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim - I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. P.S. - I locked all five of ‘em in the house. Better wait
outside.
| ||
Wet PaintMrs. Jones is in the process of having her house painted by
professionals. Her husband comes home from work and leans against a
freshly painted wall.
The next day, Mrs. Jones says to the painter, “You wanna see where my
husband put his hand last night?”
The guy replies, “Look, lady, I got a tough day’s work ahead of me.
Why don’t you just make us a cup of tea?”
| ||
Ole the Duck HunterOle went hunting one day in northern Wisconsin and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive
home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like
Norskis.
The game warden ordered the Norski to show his hunting license, and Ole
pulled out a valid Wisconsin hunting license. The game warden looked at
the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt,
and said, “This duck ain’t from Wisconsin. This is a Minnesota duck.
You got a Minnesota huntin’ license, boy?”
Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Minnesota hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second
duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Minnesota duck. This
duck’s from Iowa. You got an Iowa license?”
Again Ole reached into his wallet and produced an Iowa hunting
license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said, “This ain’t no Iowa duck. This here duck’s from
Michigan. You got a Michigan huntin’ license?”
Once again Ole reached into his wallet and brought out a Michigan hunting
license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this and he yelled at the
Norski, “Boy, just where the hell are you from?”
With that Ole turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, “Vell,
you tell me. You’re da expert.”
| ||
In A Huge HurryThis morning I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was
preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because
I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was
running late.
“Great, just great”, I moaned.
The driver opened his door ... leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window. He said, “I am not happy.”
To which I replied, “Well ... which one are you then?” | ||
Never Lie To Little GirlsThere was a guy sun-bathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the
newspaper?”
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, “A bird.” The girl walked away, and the
guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous
pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little
girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m
here.”
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, “What did you
do to that naked fellow?”
After a pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was
playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs,
and set it’s nest on fire!”
Moral of the story.....................Never lie to girls!
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The ShipA young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be
trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts
his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson,
the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, “Come starboard.”
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves
the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings
freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks
politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?”
| ||
Sunday ClothesA little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
“Hello” said the little boy.
“Hi” replied the little girl. “Where are you going”? asked the little boy. “I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home”, answered the little girl. “Me too”, replied the little boy. “I’m also on my way home from church”. “Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy. “I go to the Baptist church back down the road” replied the little girl. “What about you?” “I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill”, replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. “If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive” said the
little girl.
“My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet”, replied the
little boy.
“I tell you what I think I’ll do” said the little girl. “I’m gonna
pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across”.
“That’s a good idea”, replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the
same thing with my suit”.
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting
their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry
before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked.
“You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really
is between a Baptist and a Methodist”.
| ||
Wedding GownA woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the
sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?” The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if
you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were
checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible
fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Repudlican,” said the woman, “and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to
be, but nothing ever happened.”
| ||
Ralph Died In His SleepRalph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where
St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St.. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.” Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new
hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!” “You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big
deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout..... “Wake up. You’re crapping in the bed!”
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A Horse, A Chicken & A HarleyOn the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new
Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the farmer’s
bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down
thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good
grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral)!
“When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks!”
| ||
Doctor JokeA pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer
pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother -- he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” “Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew”. | ||
Never ArgueA man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that
the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box
and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling
$95,000. He asked her about the contents.
“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.” The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness. “Honey,” he said “that explains the doll, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh, that?” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the
dolls.”
| ||
Old Indian Chief Philosophy“Chief Two Eagles”, asked one official, “You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.
You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied, “When white man found this land, Indians were running it.”
“No taxes.” “No debt.” “Plenty buffalo.” “Plenty beaver.” “Women did all the work.” “Medicine man free.” “Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing.” “All night having sex.”
Then Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.” | ||
GhostsA professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people
here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hands. “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” Way in the back, Darren raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Darren, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?” Darren replied, “Shiiiiit!, from way back thar I thought you said ‘Goats’.” | ||
Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
countergirl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents
from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and
3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed
the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her,
she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation
of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What
do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation
after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok. ) 6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
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Tough Old CowboyA tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long
life,the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every
morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45
great-grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a 15 foot hole where the
creamatorium used to be.
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Who Says Seniors Don’t Think As Fast?An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn’t been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m
here to feed the alligator.”
Old men still think fast ...
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“I Hate My Job” dayWhen you have a “I Hate My Job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open
the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and
read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a
statement:
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested”.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not
work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.”
| ||
Cop StopA motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is
a real jerk and goes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed! The officer calmly tells him about his light
violation.
The driver flies into a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, and more, all in explicit pejorative terms. The officer, a professional, takes it all in his stride. The tirade goes on without the cop saying a word. When he finishes writing the citation, he adds AH in the lower right corner of citation, underlines it and hands it to the irate man for his signature. After signing the citation, the violator points at the initials AH and
demands to know what it means.
The officer removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy’s face and says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember you’re an Ass Hole!” Three months later they’re in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and hires an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. In the cross, the defense attorney asks, “Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?” The officer looks at it and says, “Yes sir, this is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.” The attorney asks, “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don’t normally make?” “Yes sir, in the lower right corner I added the letters AH and underlined them.” Attorney: “What did you mean by writing AH on the citation?” Officer: “Aggressive and Hostile, sir.” Attorney: “Aggressive and hostile?” Officer: “Yes Sir.” Attorney: “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Ass Hole?” Officer: “Well Sir, you know the defendant better than I do.” | ||
Gladys DunnGladys Dunn had recently moved into a retirement community in a small
town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked to church not far from her
apartment. She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as music from
the choir. She wasn’t too impressed with the sermon. She thought it
was kind of boring, and as she looked around the church, she noticed that many
of the parishioners were nodding off.
When the Preacher finished, he encouraged his congregation to greet those
sitting close by. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left.
He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake
up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile. She politely
offered her hand and said, “I’m Gladys Dunn.”
“You and me both!” the man replied. | ||
The Washington WayThree contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C. -- one from New York, another from Tennessee and the third,
Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job
will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for
me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
“I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me.”
The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The New York contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and
we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” Replies the government official.
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A Riddle For The True IntellectualAt the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of
the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The
other is getting oral pleasure from an 85 year old toothless woman. They
are both thinking the exact same thing .
What are they both thinking?
[Hold mouse button and scroll X to X]
X - Don’t look down!- X
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Redneck Farm HandA redneck farm hand radios back to his boss, the farm manager: “Boss,
I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig’s ok
but he’s stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and
squealing so much I can’t get him out”.
The manager says, “OK there’s a 303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head and you’ll be able to remove him”. Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. “I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on.” “Now what’s the problem?” raged the manager.
“Well Boss, it’s his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right front wheel.
You still there Boss?”
| ||
Ranch WidowA successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so
she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said “You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 a.m., and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him.
She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: “If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you’re fired!”
| ||
Checkout LineA woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her
arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her
actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not
happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Memorial Day!” “Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you’ll be home in no time.” | ||
Hellmann’s MayonnaiseMost people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the
next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe
to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as “Sinko de Mayo”. | ||
The Lawn MowerA preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he
came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want
for the mower?” asked the preacher.
“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike,” said the little
boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike
in trade for it?”
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the
bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on
the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the
little boy over, “I can’t get this mower to start.”
The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it
started.”
The preacher said, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been
so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.”
The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep
pullin’ on that string. It’ll come back to ya’!”
| ||
Your Zipper is DownA man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide
open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is
open.” This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way
looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and
said, “Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her
counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier
standing in there at attention?”
The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw
was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”
| ||
Moe and JoeTwo 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their
lives. When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day.
One day Moe says, “Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played
minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when
you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s baseball there.”
Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, “Moe, you’ve been my best friend for
many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly
after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Moe, Moe.”
“Who is it?” asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Moe -- it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little
bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Moe.
“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s baseball in Heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always
springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play
baseball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Moe. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!
So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
| ||
Only Now We Believe
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to
himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards
him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he
saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically
and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a
swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God ...”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of
the sky saying: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make
the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly
thankful. Amen.”
| ||
ResearchA TV researcher is making a documentary about religion and needs some
information about the collections. First he goes to see a Protestant
Vicar. He says “I’m making a programme about religion and I wanted to know
how you share out your collection”.
The vicar says “Well I get all the money on a big plate and share it out -
one for me, one for God, one for me, one for God”. The researcher thanks
the vicar and goes to see a Catholic Priest.
He tells the Priest what the vicar does and then asks the same question and
the Priest says “Oh no I haven’t got time for all that. I get all the
money on a plate and then get a big knife and cut right down the middle and one
half is for God and one half is for me”. The researcher thanks the vicar
and goes to see a Jewish Rabbi.
He tells the Rabbi what the Vicar and Priest do and asks the same question
again. The Rabbi says “Oh no I haven’t got time for all that, I get all
the money on a plate and throw it all up into the air and what stays up goes to
God and what comes down goes to me”.
| ||
Face LiftA man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spent $5000
and felt really good about the results. On his way home after his last
Doctor visit he stopped at a newsstand and bought a paper. Before leaving
he said to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?”
“About 35” was the reply. “Well, I’m actually 47!”, he boasted and he left feeling very happy.
Later he stopped at McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same
question. Her reply was “Oh, you look about 29.”
“Well, I’m actually 47!, ”he boasts again. And he leaves feeling very
happy.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an elderly lady the same
question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But, when
I was young I had a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down
your pants, in ten minutes I’ll be able to tell your exact age.”
There was no one around so the man thought why not and let her slip her
hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done
you are 47 years old!”
The stunned man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies with a smile, “I was behind you at McDonalds!!!”
| ||
Your Place In Heaven ...A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and
jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Peter Pilot, retired Delta Airlines from
Georgia.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.” The pilot goes into
Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am
Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Pasadena for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can
this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “When you preached -
people slept; when he flew - people prayed.”
| ||
A Catholic Heart AttackA man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery. He woke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had
health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank ”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law”.
| ||
Husbands Stay Away From Rodeos!A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the
breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See ..
He mated 50 times last year .... once-a-week.”
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This
bull mated 120 times last year.”
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him.”
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said,
“That’s once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the
same cow.”
NOTE: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely
be okay.
| ||
Post Office JobA guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Have you ever been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years.” The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment”. He then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes 100% ... A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.” The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we stand around scratching our balls ... No point in you coming in for that.” | ||
Kids In Church3-year-old Reese:
“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m
having a real good time like I am.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as
we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?” | ||
Dangerous FoodA doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . “The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in
our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
| ||
Passport?An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carryon
bag.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show
it.”
“Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival
in France !”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it
to.”
| ||
Bus TourA group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group
a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. “These” she explained
“are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” The
guide then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”
| ||
New Words For 2007 :Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!
1. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error
Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be
located.
2. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
3. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in
a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going
on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOM’s: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them
stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.
10. SWIPE OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for taking free photocopies from one’s
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of
an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.
15. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
16. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email
by mistake).
18. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working
hard.
| ||
Would You Remarry??Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question.
Wife: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?”
Husband: “Definitely not!”
Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
Husband: “Of course I do.”
Wife: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
Husband: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
Wife: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: “Would you live in our house?”
Husband: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
Wife: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would you let her drive my car?”
Husband: “Probably, it is almost new.”
Wife: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
Husband: “That would seem like the proper thing to do”
Wife: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
Husband: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
Wife: “Would you take her golfing with you?”
Husband: “Yes, those are always good times.”
Wife: “Would she use my clubs?”
Husband: “No, she’s left-handed.”
Wife: -- silence --
Husband: “shit.”
| ||
MemoryTwo elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men
asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was
great.”
“That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?”
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower
with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” Fred turned to his wife.
“Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
| ||
Special AnnouncementThis morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of
convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by BellSouth, Dell and AOL customer service reps and Motel-6
managers.
It’s getting ugly. | ||
Chicken LittleOne day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer
said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
| ||
Weenie TestThree third graders from Tennessee... an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a
Redneck kid are on the playground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. “Let’s see who has
the largest weenie,” he says.
“Okay.” They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
“That’s nothing,” says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not
only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid’s mother asks him what
he did at school today. “Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I
played a new game called ’Let’s see who has the largest weenie.”
“What kind of game is that, honey?” asks the mother.
“Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say it’s because I’m a Redneck. Is that
true, Mom?”
Mom replies, “No, Honey. It’s because you’re
twenty-one.”
| ||
Not That HungryWhile working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces... I don’t think I’m hungry
enough to eat 6.”
| ||
Cleaning Chickens“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
“It ain’t my fault,” Miss Crabtree. “You can blame this on my
Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!”
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd
years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her
mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy
and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
“You see,Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat.
And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his
gun and said to Ma, ‘That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!’”
“Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!” He was naked as a jaybird, no
boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun
on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the
coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog
Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin’ up behind Daddy. Then we all
looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy’s
crack! “Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this
mornin’!”
| ||
Why It’s Important To Understand EnglishWhen I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian dollars
I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla
fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian guy says, “Fluc you white people too!”
| ||
We Should PrayAs my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed
a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a
prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should
pray.”
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.” | ||
Quite A Following!A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He
didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the
feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.
So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she
would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he
probably wouldn’t notice her.
The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway,
it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She
did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little
friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day
all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following
us to school all week? Do you know her”?
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The friend said, “Well, who is she”? “That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied. “And her daughter Marcy.” “Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us”? “Well,” Timmy explained. “Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!” | ||
Monkey in a BarA guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just
did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in
sight. Sorry! I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” The guy
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did
now?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them
out, and ate them!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first.”
| ||
Deer RopingFor all you hunters or those wanting a great laugh! I had this idea
that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a
couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure
was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle
feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one
will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the
back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one,
get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and
transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up... 3 of
them.
I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder,
and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I
wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good
hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it
was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it. It took a step away.
I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you
start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a
rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up
side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10
minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and
drag me when I managed to get up.
It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the
blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted
to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just
let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and
painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
that deer.
At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the
feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large
knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head
against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t
want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up
to back in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set
beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
and started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million
years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised
when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper
thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back
slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a
deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the crap out of my right arm, I reached up
with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a
horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best
thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The
reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws
at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the
head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being
twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you
are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I
finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was
split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good
and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was
bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me
from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the
co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like
hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running
out yelling “what happened”?
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an
individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they
have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law
enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they
may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal.
I swear! Not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally
stupid played no part in my response. I told him “I was attacked by a
deer.” I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.
The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn’t think I could
make it home on my own. He did.
Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to
know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe
the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the
grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell
out of me and BIT me.
It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles
around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth).
For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer
around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their
feeders.
I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here.
I have to see these people every day and as an outsider a “city folk” I have
enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering
“there is the dumb-ass that tried to rope the deer”.
| ||
Dangerous VirusThere is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome- Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your
life.
| ||
Late:He just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10
minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a
quandary about what to do about it. Finally, one day he called him into
the office for a talk.
“Bill, I have to tell you, I like your work ethics, but your being late
often is bothersome.”
“Yes, I know Boss, and I’m working on it.”
“Well good. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?” “They said, “Good morning, Admiral.” | ||
Tax TimeAt the end of the tax year, the Tax Office Sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question”, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?” “Ah, yes”, replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.” “I see!” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi”, he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover Foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.” | ||
April Fools!Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!” Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the little bastard. | ||
New Hires and Job Assignments1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting
department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them
in engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them
in planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
information technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic
planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in
Congress.
| ||
Slide your cursor up and down to raise and lower her T-shirt. If you are a fan of Hooter’s girls you’ll enjoy this!
| ||
From Gynecologist to Harley MechanicA gynecologist had become fed up with high cost of malpractice insurance
and was also on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to find another
career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to make a major
career change and become a Harley mechanic (since they always need to be worked
on). He found out from the local community college what was involved,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find
that he had obtained a more than perfect score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an
error which may need adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You also put the engine back
together perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” The instructor went on
to say, “I gave you that extra 50% because you did all of it through the
muffler.”
| ||
Engineering PracticesDoes the statement, “We’ve always done it like that” ring any bells?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
that’s the gauge they used. Why did “they” use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they
used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel
spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels
would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s
the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first
long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads
have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial
ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all
alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now, the twist to the story When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the S RBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago
by the width of a horse’s ass.
- And - You thought being a HORSE’S ASS wasn’t important!
[according to
Snopes this is not true, merely a humorous and interesting
joke]
| ||
Mid-term ExamKids in a biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was: “Name seven advantages of ‘Mothers Milk.’” Worth 70 points or
none at all. One student, who had partied late the night before, was
frustrated to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is the perfect formula for a child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always at the right temperature. 4. It is inexpensive. 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6. It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an “A”
| ||
Flying BlindA man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the
plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off
the aircraft the plane would re-boarded in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man
had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her
Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the
entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” The
blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his
legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a
Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to
change airlines!
| ||
The Mexican MaidA Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was
quitting. When asked why, she replied, “I’m in the family way.”
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could
be.
The maid replied, “Your husband and your son.”
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
“Well,” the maid explained, “I go to the library to clean it and your
husband say, ‘You are in the way’. I go to the living room to clean and
your son say ‘You are in my way’. So I’m in the family way and I
quit.”
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A Boy’s Confession“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?” “Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Teresa Volpe?”
“I’ll never tell.” “Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.” “Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Four months vacation and five good leads.”
| ||
New BarA new bar opened and everyone in town was talking about it. The buzz
was because it had a robot-bartender. One fellow had to see this for
himself, so in he goes and sits at the bar Sure enough, a robot was
bartending.
The man orders a drink, and the robot returns with it and asks him what his
IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot
begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state
of the global atmosphere.
This fellow is impressed. He wants to see what happens if he doesn’t
claim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in
and sits at the bar.
Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him
it’s 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the
proper way to grill a steak.
Wow, this is amazing and it peaks the man’s interest in seeing how good
this robot really is. Thus, he leaves and comes back in for a third
time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50.
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
“A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y
g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e M-c-C-a-i-n?”
| ||
The Amazing ClaudeIt was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocketwatch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for
six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell
to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“Crap!” said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the Senior Center.
| ||
Mergers For 2007For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch
for these mergers in 2007:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller,
Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon
Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
And finally:
9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name : Titty Titty Bang Bang!
| ||
How To Call The Police!George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said
“no.” Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot
them all.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot
them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody
available!”
| ||
Bubba’s got the ShinglesBubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he
had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him
to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told
Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and waited for the
doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want
them?”
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Albert EinsteinMarch 19 is Einstein’s birthday. He would have been 128. Few
people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction
is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein’s Theory of Relative
Titty.
| ||
Olaf Jonson and Debbie on vacationOlaf Jonson and Debbie are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address
system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some
very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we
should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may
never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island. An hour later Olaf Jonson turns to his wife Debbie and asks,
“Debbie, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Olaf, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Debbie, did we pay
our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Debbie. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa
and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“On, forgive me, Olaf,” begged Debbie. “I didn’t send that one,
either.”
Olaf grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Debbie,
pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”
Olaf answers, “They’ll find us!”
| ||
Health Care TodayTwo patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has
a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home
recuperating.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,
then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t
reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months
from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? .
. .
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
| ||
Secret to a long marriageWith a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church’s marriage
marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect,
spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The minister inquired, “Trips to where?”
“Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The minister then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands,
Ralph. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on
your 50th anniversary?”
Brother Ralph: “I’m going back to go get her.”
| ||
Don’t be sillyA woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her
cat.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” the woman told him. “She looks as if she’s going to have kittens, but that’s impossible. She’s never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash.” The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. “But she can’t be,” protested the woman. “It’s impossible.” At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. “How about him?” asked the vet. “Don’t be silly,” answered the woman. “That’s her brother.” | ||
Doctor Visit“Don’t laugh!” said the patient, Jarod. “Of course I won’t laugh,” the
doctor said, “I’m a professional. In over 20 years, I’ve never laughed at
a patient.”
“Okay, then,” Jarod said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest ’whoo-ha’ the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn’t have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.
“I’m so sorry,” said the doctor. “I really am. I don’t know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it
won’t happen again. Now then, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Jarod replied.
| ||
God Is GoodA woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy
to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had
locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home
and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said,
“You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their
keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to
use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five
minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man
who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, “This is who you sent to help me?" But, she was
desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said,
“Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I
locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you
use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, “Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,“Thank You So Much!
You are a very nice man."
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an
hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”
| ||
The computer swallowed grandmaThe computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true. She pressed ‘control’and ‘enter’ And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind; I’ve even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found ‘online.’ So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’ My Grandma you should see, Please ‘Copy’, ‘Scan’and ‘Paste’her And send her back to me! | ||
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White
minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third
language.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Jenna Bush has banned smoking anything but pot.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
This the mans camera!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting
machines.
| ||
The Miracle of Toilet PaperFresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breast for a few seconds.” Willing to try
anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between my breasts.
“How long will this take?” I ask.
“They will grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
I stop and ask “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?” Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He is still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even
walk again.
| ||
Federal InspectorA cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with the old farmer; “I need to inspect your farm.”
The old farmer said “You better not go in that field.”
The Ag representive said in a “wise” tone “I have the authority of the
U.S. Goverment with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish
on agricultural land.”
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence,
close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest
full of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.
The Old farmer called out:
“Show him your card!”
| ||
Eleven MinutesA cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat,
knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car
and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
“And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover
sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a
car, at night in a Lover’s lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks: “And her... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes
.”
| ||
Vanilla Pudding RobberyThis is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least
we’ll have a bit to eat.”
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING... | ||
BoudreauxBoudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty one day.
Boudreaux’s first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux’s sales pitch. Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, “If you got da normal GI insurans an’you go to Iraq an’get youself killed, da guvment gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000” “If you take out da supplemental insurans’, which cost you only t’irty dollar a mont, den da guvment gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000!” “NOW,” Boudreaux concluded, “Which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
furst?”
| ||
Dear Tech Support:Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
What can I do?
Sincerely,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.phpl” and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food
3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
| ||
Cancel your credit cards before you die.This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being
what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees
and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the
exchange:
Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
Citibank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?”
Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.” Citibank: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply.”
Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?” (Fax number is given) Family Member: “Sure.” After they get the fax:
Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what
more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”
Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” Citibank: “That might help.” Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number
69.”
Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!” Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?” | ||
LifesaversA teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using
a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say: “Red...........cherry,”
“Yellow.........lemon,” “Green..........lime,” “Orange........orange,” Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. “Well,” he said, “I’ll give you all a clue, It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.” One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh My God!!!! They’re assholes!” | ||
Why We Love Children!1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!” 2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.” 3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” 4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” 5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.
“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?”
“Yes, that’s right,” I told her.
“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you
please tie my shoe?”
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.
Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” 8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. ”
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.” 10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!” 11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s
Adam’s underwear.”
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MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY.As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So
next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of
their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist
effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house
to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it’s okay to see
nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American
women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity. God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to pass this on
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Oh, The Temptation...A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by
saying, “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork...but
have you really never even tasted it?”
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, “I must tell you the truth.
Yes I have, on the odd occasion.”
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “I know that in your
religion, you’re supposed to be celibate... but...”
The priest interjected, “Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I
have succumbed to temptation once or twice.”
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, “Better than pork,
isn’t it?!”
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Beer TheoriesSometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ”It is better to drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver.”
-- Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC
-- W.C. Fields
Remember ”I” before ”E”, except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a ”support group.” Salvation in a
can!
-- Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the ”Buffalo Theory” to his
buddy, Norm. ”Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s
why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
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The Leopard and the PoodleA wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa , taking her
faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch.
The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the
leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
canine!”
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just
when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that
damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!”
Moral of this story... Don’t mess with old farts... age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance
only come with age and experience!
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Teaching ChildrenTEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you
asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE: All right... “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as
your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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The Wisdom of Children My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a
few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
“It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights.”
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not
sure.”
“Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to
six.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
“Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her
cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’to ‘i’and add
‘es’”
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Things You Have To Believe Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy
when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against
Iraq.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans’benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health
care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the
best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George
Bush’s military record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a
conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.
You support states’rights, but the Attorney General can tell states
what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
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She Won the Lottery! A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get the hell out.” | ||
Fried Eggs A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.” | ||
Happy New Year My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an
envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!
If you don’t send this link to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
husband’s cousin’s beautician
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Borrow The Car? A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father,
a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll
talk about the car.”
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he’d settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said,
“Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I’ve observed
that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the
Bible study groups. But, I’m real disappointed, since you haven’t gotten
your hair cut.”
The young man paused a moment, and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been
thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even
a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.”
To this his father replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?”
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What a Wife Needs A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been
married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife
and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.” | ||
Dr. Smith A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging
her breasts.
Dr. Smith told her, “Everyday after your shower, rub them and say,
‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.’”
She did this faithfully for several months, lo and behold, it worked!
She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs
if she didn’t do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle
of the bus and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked, “Are you, by any chance, a patient of Dr.
Smith’s?”
“Why, yes I am. How did you know?” she replied.
He leaned closer, winked, smiled and whispered... “Hickory dickory
dock!”
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