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| Blond Jokes |
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The SkeletonA very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for
a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be
imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the
49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind
the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the
skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be
Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more,
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it
was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”
The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 blond National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”
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Getting To Know YouA man met a beautiful blond lady and he decided he wanted to marry her
right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go
along.”
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After
about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of
breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?”
“No,” said the blond, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal.”
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DeceivedBlond Mary was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood
with dreams of becoming a star. She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did
encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and soon she found
herself called to testify in a divorce case.
When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. “The wife
of the defendant has identified you as the ’other woman’ in her husband’s
life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr.
Evans?”
“Well, yes,” acknowledged Mary with a sniff, “but I couldn’t help
it.”
“Couldn’t help it?” asked the lawyer derisively. “How’s that?”
“Mr. Evans deceived me.”
“Exactly what do you mean?”
“See, when we signed in,” she explained, “He told the motel clerk I was his
wife.”
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Coffee ShopA blond goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a “peel and win”
sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,
“I’ve won a motorhome! I’ve won a motorhome!”
The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch.”
But the blond keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motorhome! I’ve won a
motorhome!”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re
mistaken. You couldn’t have possibly won a motorhome because we didn’t
have that as a prize.”
The blond says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motorhome!” And
she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads ...
“W I N A B A G E L”
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VentriloquistA young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show
in a small town in Ontario. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on
her chair and starts shouting. “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond
jokes”, she says. “What makes you think you can stereotype women that
way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a
human being?” “It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blonds, but women in general and all in the name of
humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells,
“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little asshole on
your knee.”
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Killer Biscuits Wanted
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The Best PlacesAn airline captain was breaking in a new blond stewardess. The route
they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the
captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop
and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route,
he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in
at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the
phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get
out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed,
“one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do
Not Disturb’!”
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Three Months PregnantA blond, brunette and a redhead, all good friends are each 3 months
pregnant.
The redhead comes out with, “I’m having a baby boy”. The blond asks, “How
do you know that”
The redhead says, “When we were having sex, I was on top”
The brunette then says “Than I must be having a baby girl, since I was on
the bottom when we were having sex”
The blond begins to cry uncontrollably. Both friends ask why she is
so upset.
“I’m going to have puppies”
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Rectum DeodorantA blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don’t sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “We don’t have any.” “But, I always buy it here,” says the blond. “Do you have the container that it came in?” asks the pharmacist. “Yes,” said the blond, “I’ll go home and get it.” She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.” Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container. “TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM”.
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A Blond Texas City GirlAmy, a blond Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination
man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one.. right here.” Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blond, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?” “That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?” She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: “I guess it’s to hang your pants on ...” |
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money. And, as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.
Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A .The condor
B. The buzzard
C. The cuckoo
D. The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make
matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll
Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman
had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blond. But the
contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
question and the four choices.
The blond responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is
C: The cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the
one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a
blond that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand -
the blond had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be persuaded.
“I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant
said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis.
“Yes, that is my final answer.” Two minutes later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that that answer
is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
- including the blond who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny,
I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because you
knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you
want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the
question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how
did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on,” said the blond, “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build
nests. They live in clocks.”
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| 2006 Blond Jokes |