For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

 

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!  “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried.  “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

 

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

 

 

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.  He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:  “How much for Engineer brain?”

“3 dollars an ounce.”

“How much for Accountant brain?”

“4 dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“100 dollars an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

“Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

 

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.  “Tim, you be first,” she said.  “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful.  How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.  “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.  Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.  Billy’s father answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney.  How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

 

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.  Peter.  To his surprise, St.  Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St.  Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

 

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

 

St.  Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

 

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