This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.  It was a turtle disaster.

 

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said “Tenpin?”, I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

 

I went in to a pet shop.  I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”  The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”  I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

 

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

 

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU!  I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??”  He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  ’Best Before End’

 

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.”  I said “No, just a watch.”

 

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.  He’s bisatchel.

 

I went to the doctor.  I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”  He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

 

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

 

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work??”  I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.  He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

 

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.  She said, “Are you having me on?”  I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

 

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

 

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted.  I was so shocked I swerved the car.  He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again.  He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.  The police came and asked me what had happened.  I said “I careered off the road”

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

 

I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?”.  He said, “He’s not your type.”  I said “Can I borrow Batman Forever?”  He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

 

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

 

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.  He became a hardened criminal.

 

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

 

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

 

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.  He did a number on it.

 

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

 

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

 

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

 

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

 

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

 

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.  [That’s a story that lens itself.] Or was he pushed?  That guy was sent to prism.

 

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

 

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A -flat miner.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blown Apart.

 

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

 

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.

 

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

Acupuncture: a jab well done

 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “I’ll serve you,but don’t start anything.”

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:  “A beer please, and one for the road.”

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other:  “Does this taste funny to you?”

 

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ’The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

 

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. 

“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

DejaMoo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

 

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

 

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. 

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”  Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, “They’re twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him.  (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) ...  A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.