12/31/08 Joke «The Legel Report»Golf Junkie
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” said her husband, “just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

12/30/08 Joke «The Legel Report»Cleanup Needed On Aisle 5!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.’

On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 5, we have a husband down.’

12/23/08 Joke «The Legel Report»Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river.’ Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river’ Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river’ Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

12/22/08 Joke «The Legel Report»Just Like Frank
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his widow.”

12/21/08 Joke «The Legel Report»Ol’ Spot
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, ‘No mushrooms. They are too high.’

He said, ‘Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.’

She said, ‘No, some wild mushrooms are poison.’

He said, ‘Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.’

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet’s ear. She said, ‘Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.’ Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, ‘That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.’ Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, ‘I think everything will be fine now.’ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, ‘You know, that fellow who ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.’

Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his ‘private part’ hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said.

‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

Unnatural
In one Intro to Government class, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement was to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The teacher and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

Frozen Irony
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Strength of Wisdom
The strong young buck at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile ...

“All right, buddy, get in.”

Men Strike Back
1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
*************
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
*************
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
*************
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me.”
*************
5. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
*************
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
*************
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
*************
8. What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
*************
9. I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
*************
10. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don’t like to interrupt her.
*************
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
*************
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
*************
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
*************
14. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me. “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
*************
15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
*************
16. Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”
*************
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
*************
18. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
*************
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
*************
20. Why do brides wear white?
Men like their dishwasher to match the fridge and range.

Blown Off Course
A newbie balloonist is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a field close to a road, but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, “Howdy! Can you tell me where I am?”

“Yes, of course,” says the driver. “You have just landed in your balloon, and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top field on John Dawson’s farm, 12 miles from Baton Rouge. John will be plowing the field next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack you.”

At that moment, the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily, the balloonist is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, “I see you’re an accountant.”

“Good grief,” says the other man, “you’re right! How did you know that?”

“I employ accountants,” says the balloonist. “The information you gave me was detailed, precise, and accurate. Most of it was useless, and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”

Three Old Grandmas
Three mischievous ‘Old Grandmas’ were sitting on a bench outside their nursing home when an ‘old Grandpa’ walked by. One of the ‘old Grandmas’ yelled out saying, ‘We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.’

The old man said, ‘There’s no way you can guess it, you old fools.’

One Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.’

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The ‘old Grandmas’ asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and yelled, ‘You’re 87 years old!’

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess?’

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison ...

‘We were at your birthday party yesterday!’

Ouch?
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

Monday Morning
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night “ the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

The mailman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”

“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that!”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times.”

The Mightiest
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

Warming Up
A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is cold.”

The girl replied “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do you ask?”

The daughter replies, “They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”

E-cow-nomics
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...

Fourth Marriage
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color are you looking for?”

The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”

“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”

“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.

“That one was a Republican,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened ...”

Why Me Officer
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah... so,” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch ALL the fish?”

That’ll Teach Him
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a gal a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a piece of horse shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner... This was the car that took my parking space.

What a Coincidence
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

Efficiency Expert
I took some visitors out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with water and tableware. He, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”

Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift.”

Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. “I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of making a special trip,” he proudly explained.

I was impressed. “Thanks. I had to ask.”

“No problem,” he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?”

“Oh, yeah” he began in a quieter tone. “Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men’s room, too.”

“How’s that?”

“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!”

“Oh, that makes sense,” I said, thinking through the process. “Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use my spoon.”

Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

The Little Guy
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink.

He’s been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,” says the truck driver. “I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.”

The Drunk and the Attorney
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

Cash Flow
One evening, Mike went over to his friend Terry’s house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry’s wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry’s wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry’s wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, “Did you like what you saw?”

Mike said “Yes I did.”

She said, “Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500.”

So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, “O.K.”

She said, “Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.”

Mike said, “I’ll see you then.”

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, “Has Mike been over here today”

She said, thinking she had been caught, “As a matter of fact, he did.”

Terry said, “Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you.”

Not For A Week
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: ‘Are you going to tell him, or should I?’

What Is It Called?
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right now.”

On A Hot Tin Roof?
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.”

The man was very upset and yelled, “You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.”

The brother thought about it and apologized.

“So how’s Mom?” asked the man.

“She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”

Eve’s Version
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ‘So, how is everything going?’ inquired God.

‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.’ And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.

‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’ And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. ‘Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?’

‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’

God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see....where did I put that useless boob?’

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

No Child Left Behind
In response to President Bush’s federal “No Child Left Behind Act” (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART.

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL. If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.

If, by age fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.

It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP. This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help “clear the air” as part of the “No School Left Standing” Act.

The Missionary
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. ‘You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what has been going on!’

The missionary replies: ‘No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields. You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.’

The chief pauses for a moment then says, ‘Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the black sheep, and I won’t say anything about the white child.’

Job Interview
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for the evening news.

The first guy walks in and the boss says, “This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?”

And the guy says, “You got no ears man!”

So the boss yells “Get the out of here!”.

So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, “This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?”

And the guy says, “That’s easy. You got no ears!”

So the boss says, to him, “Get out of here!”

So the next guy goes in and the boss says, “This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?”

So the guy says, “Your wearing contacts!”

And the boss says, “Yeah, how did you know?”

So the guy replies, “Well you can’t wear glasses cause you ain’t got no ears.”

Washing the Dog
An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder.

The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do.

“Oh, no,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog,” said the shopkeeper. “It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets.

The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

“Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the washing powder that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

Burglary In Florida
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich’s house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was ‘a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.’ (That’s the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, ‘that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they probably thought they’d hit the big time.’

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: ‘Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.’ The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer, known as Hoochie Pevens, was found on Nathan’s doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude’s ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: ‘Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.’

Ole & Friends
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, “Dat’s dem.” The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yah sure, ve’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere.” says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven’s pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.”

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: “By yumpin’ yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.”

VAIT!!! Dere’s MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He’s been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. “Hey, Ole. Vatch dis.” Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, “And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either.”

BUT VAIT!!! Dere’s MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head. “First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting ... and now Lars, hengliding ...”

Dats all. Dere ain’t no more!

The Model
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks. She said she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away.

“There’s just one problem,” explained the model. “Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath.”

“That’s not a problem,” replied Doris. “We have a tin bath tub out in the yard, and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.”

“What about you’re husband?” asked the model.

“Oh he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,” replied Doris.

“Good,” said the model. “Now that’s settled, I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight.”

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping her clothes, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris’s staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not believe her. “It’s true, I tell you!” said Doris. “Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can peek in and see for yourself.”

The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model’s naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.

“Well, do you believe me now?” she asked Fred. “Yes,” he replied. “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?”

“Just to show you the difference,” answered Doris, “But I guess you’ve seen me millions of times.”

“Yes,” said Fred, “I have--but the rest of the dart team hadn’t.”

Not So Dumb
There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley’s Grocery Store. The owner, Tim, doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day, after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

The Grandson
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old grandson out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his grandson. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their grandson out.

When they returned, the little boy anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather.

“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?”

“Oh yes, PaPa”, the boy replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!”

Little Known Naval History

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators ( i.e. fresh water distillers!).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, ‘On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of
475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.’

Her mission: ‘To destroy and harass English shipping.’

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland.
Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and
38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY!!

The Computer Swallowed Grandma

The computer swallowed grandma.

Yes, honestly its true!

She pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’

And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I’ve searched through the recycle bin

And files of every kind;

I’ve even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found ‘online.’

So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’

My Grandma you should see,

Please ‘Copy,’’Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her

And send her back to me.

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned
to use the computer ...

They are the greatest!!!

A Farming Situation
An Iowa farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, ‘Would you like to buy some Peaches?’

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, ‘Are they as firm as this?’

He nodded his head and said, ‘Yes ma’am,’ and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, ‘Are they nice and pink like this?’

The farmer said, ‘Yes,’ and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, ‘Are they As fuzzy as this?’

He again said, ‘Yes,’ and broke down crying.

The lady asked, ‘Why on earth are you crying?’

Drying his eyes he replied, ‘The drought got my corn, The flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches.’

Watch Out for Old Ladies
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Medicare
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’

A Duck
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”

“You noticed then,” quips the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.

“Of course I can talk,” says the duck. “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly,” says the landlord, “Sorry about that, it’s just that we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringleader, “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, “Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the landlord.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right,” replies the landlord.

“The circus?”

“Yes!”

“That place with the big tent?”

“Yeah!”

“With all the animals?”

“Of course!”

“With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle,” asks the duck.

“That’s right,” says the landlord.

The duck now looking confused replied:- “What the heck would they want with a plasterer?”

At Work & In Prison
In Prison => You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

At Work => You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

In Prison => You get three meals a day fully paid for

At Work => You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

In Prison => You get time off for good behavior

At Work => You get more work for good behavior

In Prison => The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

At Work => You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

In Prison => You can watch TV and play games

At Work => You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison => You get your own toilet

At Work => You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

In Prison => They allow your family and friends to visit

At Work => You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family

In Prison => All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

At Work => You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

In Prison => You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

At Work => You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

In Prison => You must deal with sadistic wardens

At Work => They are called managers

Semper Fi
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel’s Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

“Well, Sir, began the PFC, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps.

Not All Seniors Are Senile
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. ‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’

The Donkey
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me... I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for the government.

God’s Illinois
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. ‘Where have you been?’

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ‘Look, Michael. Look what I’ve created.’

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’

‘Balance?’ Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. ‘For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant . ‘I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. ‘This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land mass and said, ‘What’s that one?’

‘Ah,’ said God. ‘That’s Illinois the most glorious place on earth. There will be beautiful prairies, grasslands, farms, streams, abundant wild game and birds, rolling hills and woodlands. The people from Illinois are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.’

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!’

God replied wisely, ‘Wait until you see the idiots I put in Springfield.’

Pill Poem
A row of bottles on my shelf
       Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
       Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
       Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
       Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
       And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
       Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
       Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
       Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
       Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know ...
       Is what tells each one where to go!

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt ...

Three Italian Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, ‘Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, ‘I want to be Sophia Loren;’

And *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, ‘I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, ‘I want to be Sara Pipalini..’

St. Peter looks perplexed. ‘Who?’ he asked.

‘Sara Pipalini;’ replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, ‘I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.’

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

‘No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.’

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

Stunning Senior Moment
Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

‘You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one’, the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. The young people of today grew up with;

Television
Jet planes
Space travel
Man walking on the moon
Our space probes have visited Mars
We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars
Cell phones
Computers with light-speed processing...and more.

‘After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:

‘You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young ... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?’

The applause was amazing ...

Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.” “Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

The Pope
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”

Only one word leapt to mind! “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Just Imagine
One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

Name Dropper
Bob and his buddy Jack decided to go skiing for their spring break. They loaded up Bob’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm. They asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed”, she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Bob said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. When the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. By morning, the weather cleared, and they went on their way to enjoying a good week of skiing. Nine months later, Bob got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow they had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Jack and asked, “Jack, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski trip up north?”

“Yes,” said Jack, “I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes”, said Jack, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of her yours?”

Jack’s face turned red, and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“Because,” said Bob, “she just died and left me everything!”

Dairy Farmer
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing!

He turned to her and said, “Now don’t tell me you’ve never seen one of these!”

She replied, “You’re right, Daddy, I have. It’s just that I’ve never seen one being reloaded!!”

Mexican Eggs
Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike’s tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough “Old Smokey” pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies “Mexican eggs”.

The Cop obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

“I’ve got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it ... two have hatched and they’ve managed to steal a bike already. I need help!”

Be Careful What You Wish For
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘ That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’ The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’

Doctor’s Assistant
A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic,” he says. “I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this. And what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, “Help me, I beg you! It’s been five years since I’ve seen a man!”

“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”

Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian ... I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’

Construction Site
There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, “You’re in charge of the cement.”

Then he said to the Russian guy, “You’re in charge of the dirt.”

Then he said to the Korean guy, “You’re in charge of the supplies.”

Then he said, “I’m gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you’re fired.” So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, “Good work,” to the Spanish guy.

Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, “Good work,” to the Russian guy.

Then he couldn’t find the Korean guy so he asks, “Where the heck is the Korean guy?”

All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, “SUPPLIES!”

John and Jim
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Vancouver and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, ‘Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please’.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. ‘Been on holiday yet, lads?’

‘Off to England next month,’ says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?’

Jim agrees.

‘Ah, England !’ says the bartender. ‘ Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...’

‘Nah, we don’t like that British food or the beer,’ says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh, Jim? And we can’t stand the English - they’re so arrogant and rude.’

‘So why keep going to England ?’ asks the bartender.

‘It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.’

What Did You Do At Recess?
First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: “What did you do at recess?”

Alice says, “I played in the sand box.”

Teacher says “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.”

Alice does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, “I played with Alice in sand box.”

Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”

Billy does, and gets a cookie, too.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, “I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.”

Teacher says, “They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! Go to the blackboard and if you write ‘blatant racial discrimination’correctly I’ll give you a cookie.”

Obituary
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by until today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault, Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three step brothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Nurse Nancy
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!”, said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

Hunters
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”

The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”

Sometimes It DOES Take A Rocket Scientist
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of air-liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Defrost the chicken.”

Getting Into Heaven
Three men went up into heaven, but St. Peter said only people with the worst deaths would be admitted. St. Peter went up to the first man and said, “Okay my boy, how did you die?”

The first man replied, “Well, to cut a long story in half, I live on the 28th floor of the Manchester Apartment Building. I’ve been suspecting for months that my wife has been cheating on me with another man. So to surprise her, I came home early from work, planning on finding her and the man she is cheating with together. So I came in the door, and looked and looked for him. Finally I found him hanging from our balcony! I started stepping on his hands, but he wouldn’t let go, finally I went back and got a hammer and pounded at his hands. When he fell he hit a bush, so I knew he wasn’t dead. So I went back inside again and threw the freezer down at him. But then I had a heart attack.”

“Wow!” said St. Peter, “That sounds terrible! You go on in.”

St. Peter went to the second man. “Ok son, how’d you die?”

“Well,” said the second man, “I live on the 29th floor of the Manchester Apartment Building. I was on my balcony doing my aerobics when I slipped and fell. Luckily I was able to grab the balcony below me when a man came out and started stepping on my hands. He left shortly after and I was thankful it was over. But then he got a hammer and started hitting at my hands. I then let go because of the pain, but landed in the bushes. So I knew I would be ok. But then the man threw his freezer down at me! That’s when I died.”

“Holy Saint Francis!” Said St. Peter, “you go on in!”

St. Peter approached the third man. “Ok my boy, how did YOU die?”

The third man exclaimed, “Well picture this, I’m sitting naked in a freezer...”

The Half-Wit
A man owned a small farm in Missouri. The Missouri State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

Ambulance Race
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times.

“Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged the first one, “we cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”

The other paramedics nodded in approval. “Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we’ve cut our average ERT by 20 percent.”

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, “That’s nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”

Fart Football
The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points,” his wife rolls over and says, “what in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

Fortune Teller
During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Nordakota
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs the teat and pulls ... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, “Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I ust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.”

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?”

Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how did you know?”

Sven says, “My wife is from Nordakota.”

Weather Man Question
A certain news anchorperson at a Detroit television station is in future likely to think a little longer before she speaks. The previous evening, the station’s weatherman had predicted a heavy overnight snowfall; yet nary a single snowflake fell.

The following evening, by way of introducing the weather forecast, the female news anchor turned to the prognosticator and queried, “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” whereupon the weatherman lost all composure and with tears of laughter streaming down his face, had to leave the news set, as did most of the entire broadcast production crew.

With unmanned studio cameras slowly drifting upwards to reveal racks of ceiling-mounted lighting, fits of laughter continued uninterrupted for more than four minutes of the live-to-air broadcast.

And Away We Go
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ‘Amazing,’ he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph ... then 110 ... then 120. Suddenly he thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.

‘The old gentleman paused, then said, ‘Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, sir,’ replied the trooper.

Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say “Good Morning”, let alone any “Happy Birthday.”

I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember. The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my Secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.” I felt a little better. Someone had remembered!

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure”, I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing happy birthday...

and there I sat on the couch ... completely naked.

Porno Movie
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”

“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

Lunch for Jesus
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time
with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit
with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the
men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
“Do you men know Jesus Christ?”

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked
up into the steelwork and yelled, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One
of the steelworkers yelled down a “Why”?

The worker yelled back, “His wife’s here with his lunch.”

Little Johnny
Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”

This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.

“How did you enjoy that?” asked Uncle Joe.

“It was great!” exclaimed Little Johnny. “Got any more dogs?”

Real Vengeance
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.
Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

The Engineer and the Frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Love Poems
Women’s Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Mens Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

The Price Is Right
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see’s them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.

While they are getting dressed the doctor said, “Well I don’t see anything wrong!”

A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.

They have sex and the doctor says, “Well again I don’t see anything wrong.”

This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.

The guy said: “If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it’s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!”

Talented Hamster
A scroungy dirty lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No chance. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up to the piano and starts playing Elton John songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly great on the piano.”

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing Michael Bolton numbers. He has a superb voice and great pitch.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $400 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the 400 bucks and hands the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, “Are you nuts???! You sold a singing frog for $400? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

Wal-mart Wine
For all you wine lovers out there, this is noteworthy!

Walmart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ... Walmart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, In the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is a market for inexpensive Wine,” said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas.

“But the right name is important.”

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don’t bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

The Aisle Seat
Two Arab’s boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a coke.”

“Don’t get up,” said the Marine, “I’m in the aisle seat, “I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good, I’d really like one,too.”

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

Water Department
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm for your water allotment.’

The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The Water representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government behind me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land NO questions asked; nor need be answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.

‘Your card! Your card! Show him your card!’

How to Use Your Rebate Check
As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US!

Urgent Notice:
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Panhandlers
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers ...
They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Porsche, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills everyday?”

Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”
Carlos sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.”

Jose says, No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.”

Carlos says, “So what does your sign say?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign ...
It reads, “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.”

Donald and Minnie
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, “Do you have a condom?”

Donald says “No.”

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn’t get a condom that they can’t have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says “yes we do” and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks “Would you like me to put that on your bill?”

Donald says “NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

He Wipes Another Tear ...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. “Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?”

“I remember that, too” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... “I would have gotten out today.”

Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The South

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.”

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, “Got any I. D. ?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make sense to me neither.”

And this from South Carolina

”You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone retiring to the north.”

Games For When We Are Older
1. Sag, you’re It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Signs Of Menopause:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Old Is When:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Watch Out For The Tea Party ...
Someone had given a toddler a little ‘tea set’ as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea,’ which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “just the cutest thing!” Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up, then said, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?”

Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest inquired.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’ The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’

For Gun Owners
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman ...

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you’re on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3 A gun doesn’t ask , ‘Do these new grips make me look fat?’

# 2. A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman ...

# 1. You Can Buy A Silencer For A Gun

Broke Back Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it’s a gay bar. But what the heck, he says to himself, “I can really use a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your wee-wee?”

The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that, all I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your wee-wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It,’ and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really ‘Satisfies.’

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?”

The man looks back and says with a smile “Timex,” and the thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?” The fellow proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?” The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,” FORD, because “Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY, ‘Like A Rock.’” And gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, “The name of my wee-wee is ‘SECRET.’ Now give me a dang beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says: “Because it’s Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Woman!”

Seven Kinds of Sex
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ‘screw you.’

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

IRS
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

***

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?”

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,” Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”

***

There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

***

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything.”

Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. “Magic Beer,” he says.

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.”

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

Robot Lie Detector
One day Kyle’s dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, “Son why are you late from school?”

Kyle answered, “Dad, we had extra classes today”.

Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.

His dad told him, “Son this robot is special in that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?”

“Dad, I went to a movie”

“Which movie?”

“The Ten Commandments”

Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.

“Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen”.

“Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved”

Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing the last sentence, Kyle’s mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, “After all he is YOUR son!!!”

To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle’s mother a resounding slap on her face!

What’s In A Name?
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a Lady of the night,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is.”

Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit ... third gay rooster I bought this month.’

Moral of this story? ...

Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Cure You or Kill You
A woman went to the doctor’s office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

A Man Walks Into A Bar ...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag, pulls out a little man, about 10” high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

“Where on earth did you get that?”, says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish... just one wish... each person is only allowed one!”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“No kidding!!”, says the man, “Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?!”

To all Employees:

Effective April 2008 Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holidays: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls. Please respect this.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management

USMC and California Highway Patrol
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed. Thank you for your concerns.

Bill Clinton Jogging
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

‘Fifty dollars!’ she would cry out from the curb.

‘No, Five dollars!’ fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He’d run by and she’d yell, ‘Fifty dollars!’ And he’d yell back, ‘Five dollars!’ One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the ‘pro’ would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...

‘See what you get for five bucks!?’

Getting Your Affairs in Order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”

The woman said, “I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question”, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes”, replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”

“I see!” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi”, he went on,”What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut!

Advice to Golfers
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between Black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.

Paul Newman

Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this true story. (if you don’t understand this, tell your mother, she’ll get it)

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store -- Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chided herself. You’re a happily married woman with three children, you’re forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman’s direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.

Where’s my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk’s hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman ...

“You put it in your purse.”

A Modern Parable
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, The End.

Praise For Answered Prayers
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor’s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is “sternum”.

How Old Am I?
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay...How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.

‘I was behind you in McDonald’s.’

Moving Violation
An elderly couple was traveling cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?”

“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” the old man yells.

Roses & Hanging Baskets
Roses & Hanging Baskets A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate ...

The grandmother says, ‘Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’

Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.’

St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.’

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter. ‘How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’

Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve? ! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’

Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ‘

‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’?

‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’

‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’

‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’

The Divorce
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hallow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home - Including the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don’t you!

Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $42.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.

There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Old Man Fishing
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Centenial Park in Sydney & was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

“Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar.

He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

Monk
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk.”

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk.”

The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk.”

The Monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk.”

The man sets about his task... After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.

A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”

The Monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.” The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.”

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound ...

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a Monk!

An Italian Mother
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner ... who lives with a female roommate Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Momma, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:

Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Lesson: Never lie to your Momma ... especially, if she’s Italian.

A Priest And A Bus Driver
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guarantied.”

The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!”

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!”

He Can Not Lie
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

The priest replied: “Of course, what may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom’s limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Humor For Lexophiles (Lovers Of Words):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger ... and then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off?
Well!!! He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes in verse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Men Never Listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said ‘You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.’

Sunbathing
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?")

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

Once upon a time there lived a king ...
The king had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, ‘If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’ The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.

Three Young Princes Took Up The Challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’ The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Every body in the kingdom was overjoyed. !

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after..

Question: What was in the prince’s pants?

M&M’s of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

Could Be Some Interesting Photos
His request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go”.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m a photographer for CNN News,” he responded. “And I need to get some close up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me, is ... you’re NOT my flight instructor?”

Walking the Dog ...
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Victoria’s Secret

I know what Victoria’s Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 40 can fit into their stuff.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, ‘You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.’ Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

The trouble with some women is.... that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Health Question & Answer Session
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it ... Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”

Rules of ILLINOIS
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I- 80 goes east and west, I-57 & I-55 go north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat ILLINOIS pork chops & corn on the cob. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

8. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the just before Thanksgiving.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!!

12. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and high school basketball is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try THE U OF I, AND THE 4 STATE UNIVERSITIES. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

10 signs you might be a Taliban
10. You farm opium for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You’ve never been asked, “Does this abaya make my ass look big?”

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.

My Hearing
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy:

“Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

The Cowboy Boots
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?”, like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

She will be able to have visitors soon.

Tough Request
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

I Miss Bill Clinton
It doesn’t matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

“Yep, that’s right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now!! Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with “Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the nations’most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don’t know, I never had one.”

The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.”

Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

I still don’t know if she was joking.

Union Rules & Hookers
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’

‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’ ‘The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes sir, this is a union house.’

‘We observe all union rules.’ The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’

‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

‘I’d like her,’ he said.

‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’

Story With a Moral
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days’.

Mollified, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault ... women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’ She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police....’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don’t mess with them.

The Moral of the Story Is ...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking.’

Dead Senator
While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’ s time to visit heaven.’ So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’ So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning ...... Today you voted.’

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors”.

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Catatonics and High Colonics”.

No go.

Next, they tried: “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives”.

Thumbs down again.

Then came: “Minds and Behinds”.

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in: “Lost Souls and Butt Holes”.

Unacceptable to the city council .. again!

So they tried: “Analysis and Anal Cysts”.

Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

“Nuts and Butts?”
Definitely not.

“Freaks and Cheeks”?

Shot down again.

“Loons and Moons”?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends”.

Everyone loved it.

What Size?
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, ‘What size condoms?’

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ‘One box of large condoms, Register 5.’

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ‘One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.’

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

‘Cleanup, Register 5’

Gentle thoughts for Today
Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “ XL.”

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you Stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.

Retired People
Here’s an idea for you folks who are retired or soon to be retired.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break”?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a “doughnut eating Gestapo.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said “Hillarity in 㢬.”

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.

In America
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am Mexican.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!”

The person says, “I not American, I from Puerto Rico.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East , I am not American!”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”

She says, “No, I am from Africa!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

The African lady checks her watch and says ... “Probably at work.”

Minnesota Furniture Store Owner
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn’t understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Phone Call

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-5731?”

Hard of Hearing?
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. ‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey,what’s for dinner?’ Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

‘Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

Drunk Taunts Biker
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandpa, ... Go home, You’re drunk.”

Clever Texan
Three men ... a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan, are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,” says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians, can come in our precious land.”

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.”

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, “Fill it with oil.”

Some Thoughts On Women and Marriage
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”

I said, “Dust!”
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In the beginning, God created Earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
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A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”

She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
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Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother-in-laws.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”.

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”

Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
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How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying!
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The bumper sticker read: “I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her!
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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Old Men
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

In The Doghouse
A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

“What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will’”.

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.’”

Costello Calls To Buy A Computer From Abbott
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”.............

The Gynecologist’s Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more - “Can you give me some more details about this?” he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - “Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That’s about 620 miles fom here.”

“Oh why, is that where the job is?”

“No sir - that’s where the end of the line is!”

The Baptist Church
In a small, conservative, Midwestern town, a new bar/tavern started constructing a building to open up their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

However, work progressed right up till the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their seeming success, till the bar owner sued the church on grounds the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge, in looking over the paperwork at the hearing, commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t!”

High-tech Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his “manhood” into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member’.

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?”

“Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons.”

Unsatisfied Jewish Wife
No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: “Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.”

They go home and follow the Rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

“Okay,” he says to the husband, “Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they follow the Rabbi’s advice.

They go home, and hire the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly: “You see, you schmuck, THAT’S how you wave a towel!”

The Cause of Arthritis
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a bus next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Gotta Love This Nurse
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: “Get well quick ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

Q: When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that government give you?

A: A map of the United States!

GO NAVY!!