WARNING!
SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, do not show him your boobs!!  This is a scam.  He only wants to see your boobs!!

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday.  I feel so stupid.

Signed, The Blond

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Not Again
A guy is screwing a great looking blond.

The girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”

He replies, “No.”

She responds, “Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don’t want to get that again...!”

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Heckler
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club.  He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blond jokes, when a blond lady sitting in the audience stands up.

“I’m so sick of you people who think blonds are stupid.  It’s because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community.  There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair.  There are just as many smart people with blond hair.”

“Gosh, Miss, I’m terribly sorry.  I was just telling jokes, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Shut up!  I’m not talking to you.  I’m talking to that little jerk on your lap!”

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Mental Evaluation
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blond gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.  “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied.  “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble.  If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?’

The blond thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?  I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

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Horseback Rider
A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle.  In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.  Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ...

Frank, the Wal-mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

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A  Blond’s Cookbook
It’s fun to cook for Tom.  Today I made angel food cake.  The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately.  The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
 
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.  The recipe said serve without dressing.  So I didn’t dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper ... he wanted to stay, but Tom suggested I get dressed and we’d go out instead.  Men!  Can’t they ever be satisfied?
 
A good day for rice.  The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.  It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can’t say it improved the rice any.
 
Today Tom asked for salad again.  I tried a new recipe.  It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
 
I found an easy recipe for cookies.  It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.  There must have been something wrong with this recipe.  When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
 
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.  He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
 
Tom’s folks came to dinner.  I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.  Suddenly I had a flash of genius ... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.  It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
 
Good Night Dear Diary.  This has been a very exciting week!  I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.  If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

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The Bus Ride
Two groups, one of all Blonds and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.  The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. 

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blonds upstairs.  She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blonds in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.  The brunette asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here?  We’re having a great time downstairs!’

One of the Blonds looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...  ‘Yeah, But You’ve Got A Driver!?!’

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Pregnant!
The other day my neighbor, who is blond, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, ‘I have some really great news!’

I said, ‘Great.  Tell me why you’re so happy.’

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down , told me that she was pregnant! 

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, ‘That’s great!  I couldn’t be happier for you!’

Then she said, ‘There’s more.’

I asked, ‘What do you mean ‘more’?’

She said, ‘Well, we are not having just one baby.  We are going to have TWINS!’

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. 

She said....  (You’re going to love this!)
‘Well, that was the easy part.  I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack.  Both tests came out positive.’

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