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Meet the master of the art
[Link is Broken]
By Shaw Ritter
Published: Saturday, June 2, 2007 4:06 AM CDT
Opinion columnist
Back today by popular demand is our periodic column featuring some of
Pekin’s most talented Curmudgeons.
There was a day when I prided myself on being the most talented Curmudgeon
in town (with the possible exception of Hubby, who is a mentor of exceptional
ability.)
However, since the subject was first introduced here,
I’ve learned there are so many local Curmudgeons of professional status that
I’ve been forced to lower my standing in the ranks.
Notable among these is friend Gloria B., a faithful contributor to our
collection of grumbles and gripes.
In a recent e-mail she states, “I must comment on an article I recently
read in the `Mature Living’ section of the newspaper concerning exercise classes
for seniors.”
The article, citing extensive research by University
of British Columbia scientists, concluded that “older people would rather
exercise alone than be surrounded by a bunch of youthful hard bodies in
Spandex.”
“No Kidding!” states Gloria. “Can’t believe it took research to figure THAT
out!”
Kudoes to an ace Curmudgeon for once again pointing out the ridiculously
obvious.
Another loyal contributor, Nancy P., targeted another
article describing how modern science has designed a complicated system “to
track and predict the movements of supermarket shoppers using thermal imaging. A
computer analyzes data from infrared cameras, then advises where additional
cashiers are needed.”
This expensive new technology, called “SMARTLANE,” is now being tested in
two U.S. supermarket chains.
Notes Nancy, “How about testing a much cheaper system called
“SMARTMANAGER?” How much savvy does it take to look at the lines and decide you
need to open more checkout lanes?”
I’ll second that motion, Nancy -
especially after an experience yesterday at a crowded local supermarket in which
a long line had formed at the one open checkout lane - which sported a
“??-items-only” sign. The cashier there was turning away anyone with more than
that, even though there was nowhere else for them to go - a perfect example of
“DUMBMANAGER” technology.
But the current prize for Curmudgeonly talent (if there WERE a prize) would
have to go to a gentleman named Michael Legel, who writes, “I think I was born a
Curmudgeon and then grew into it.”
Michael sent me one of his sample complaints. It concerned restaurants that
ask, “How was your service?” as you pay for the meal.
“If you dare
to tell them your meal was cold,” he writes, “or the waitress needs to wash her
hands, or whatever, you get this blank look like, ‘How dare you insult
us?’”
He informed me that he keeps a computer file of his pet peeves, and
graciously sent me the file.
“I used to put these on my Web site,” he continued, “but then I worried
that maybe people would think I was too negative about life in
general.”
Well, of course, curiosity compelled me to check out his
file, and I was astounded at the breadth of organization and Curmudgeonly
expertise I found there.
Neatly labeled as to both date and subject matter, Michael’s topics cover
just about every irritating aspect of modern society. One entry, titled “Catch
Phrases,” offers this example: “‘Staying the course’ - which means believing
that walking in circles is better than admitting we’re lost.”
Another entry, “High Beams,” discusses idiots who turn their lights on
bright whan they buy a new car and then never dim them.
“Their
headlights are the only bright thing about them,” states Michael.
Other pet peeves discussed in his files: “Parking Space Hogs”; “Spare Tires
and Car Jacks”; “Snow Plows”; “2X4’s That Aren’t”; “Flimsy Paper Napkins”;
“Rebates”; and many, many more.
I wish Michael would put them on his Web site again. Reading his rants
would be a great public service - almost like consulting a Curmudgeon Guru when
your faith in human stupidity starts to falter.
So what if some
people think it’s too negative? No Curmudgeon could ask for a better
compliment!
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